How much I am Loved...

Once again, God has reminded me how much I am loved by Him and I should not be abused or taken for granted in any ways. I may love or like a person a lot but it does not mean that he can take me for granted. If I continue to allow that, I am not loving him but spoiling him, allowing him to continue to sin. I guess I have this problem of keeping quiet about things until I blow up one day, giving people the impression that I am very hot tempered. Little do they know that I have been keeping things about them for years in some cases which they are not even aware of.

At my workplace, I have learnt about how much I am loved. I had a very hearty meal with my department celebrating our award for Corporate Social Responsibility on last Thursday. We talked about our personal lives. The main topic was marriage. Then, the attention turned to me as they claimed that I tend to close myself up even before a guy can know me well. They were pretty straightforward about it which I appreciated their honesty. They even told me if needed, if I am clueless about what certain cues from  a guy mean, I could always ask them for advice since I am pretty idiotic about social cues.

I enjoy being in my team as they are very honest with me. Certain things said about me may be pretty hard to stomach but I still accept them with gratitude. These honest feedback will help me to improve in the long run and I really appreciate that. I think my boss can't wait to marry me off. I guess my team mean well. They enjoy their intimate relationships with their other halves and they would like to see me enjoying such relationships as well. I feel very loved in my team. My boss behaves like a mum. When I went down to the Bone Marrow Donation Programme centre for SWAB kit test, she took the efforts and time to speak to me before that, warning me that my health is not really that fit. She is concerned about the consequences that I may have to bear if I were to be called for donating my stems cells. I assured her that I have prayed about it and will take care of myself though I would like to save a life when called forth. I really appreciate her going beyond her work and talk to me as an elder.

This period of time has been tough on me. My 'brother' scolded me for visiting my friend in the hospital. Though my friend hurt me alot, I was also moved by this brother who told me off. I shared with him what happened. I was quite touched when he scolded me for being taken for granted. I felt God's love through this brother's scolding. He has been there for me. He even took one hour to listen to me when needed. That wakes me up in a way and I tell myself I should be not be taken for granted even if I love a person a lot. It is time for him to stop taking me for granted and learn to respect others. Being sick does not mean that I can just scold anyone I like. I used to be quite sick in the long term. But, that did not give me the rights to scold other children of God. If I have done it unintentionally, I should apologize. Mummy used to be very sick. Yes, she did scold me due to her illness but she had never taken me for granted. In fact, she protected me for all she could. This brother of mine who is going through RCIA knows how to love. Why is that friend of mine who is a leader does not even know how to have basic respect towards another person?

My other brother at work also taught me what Love is. He is much younger than me. He loves me as his colleague. Sometimes, when I am too sick or overloaded with tasks, without me telling him, he would take over some of my tasks. I never express much outwardly but I am very touched by him. I feel God's love through him as God is asking me not to work too hard. Sometimes, this young chap nags at me like an old man, asking me to go home when I stay back late for work despite my sickness. It is always all these small little gestures which touch me. I do not look for grandeur or pomp for me to be touched. In this face-paced modern society, I am grateful if a person bothers to slow down and try to understand me. Of course, I must learn to listen to constructive feedback. If not, I will never learn to be more complete. Humility is the key to widen horizon and open up one's world to connect with others'. Imagine if I were to be full of pride and always think I am right. Do you think people will even bother to tell me which areas of my life I should improve? They know I will only turn a deaf ear to their words and waste their time.

God may keep knocking at our doors through many people in my life. Sometimes,they may not be the people we like. And yet, if I am open enough without any biases but with humility and openness to God, I may also learn from these very people. When I face these people whom may be deemed as enemies or someone I loathe, they may carry the very traits which I loathe in them may also be part of me which I may subconsciously loathe and refuse to face. By rejecting these people, I may be rejecting some parts of me. Then, how am I going to grow to be more complete in God? Running away is the easiest way out as I do not have to face the pain or discomfort. It also means that I am running away some parts of myself. Instead, with God, I should view such pain or discomfort as stretch of my faith and purification. The process of purification is painful or uncomfortable and yet essential for growth.

All of us enjoy listening to words that are pleasing to our ears. Yes, they may boost our confidence and make us feel good. It is healthy to receive such 'hugs' if they are done appropriately and they are true and sincere. However, if they are done even if I am wrong or out of certain hidden agenda or for the sake of pleasing me, I will never learn the truth about myself. In fact, I may get used to such pleasing words that my pride and ego become inflated and I become full of myself. How is there going to be any room for God to work wonder in me? Yes, all of us want to be liked. But Love also entails tough love when called forth. How many people are willing to play the 'bad' guy to bring to attention to the loved one what needs to be said but may not be pleasing to the ears and yet essential for growth in the long run, especially in this modern world where social media has become the very tool for display of popularity and narcissism? Sometimes, I may not be even aware that I am feeding my ego and pride too much with such narcissism and display of popularity through the social media or blog. One thing I like about Fr Rolheiser's blog is there is no comment from people. Sometimes, comments from people can be veered towards the favour of the writer, especially when he is a priest regardless of whether he is right or wrong. Many Christians I have met worship their leaders instead of God, forgetting that these leaders are only instruments of God. The blog becomes a fans' club corner. Fr Rolheiser's blog without comments is healthy in a sense that the blog is 'clean' without any show of favoritism or biases. In fact, I like his writing style as it gives out this air of sincerity. He does not avoid controversial topics and he can be pretty honest about the areas of improvement of the church. Also, he does not bring too much attention to himself. I have read a few books from him as my spiritual input. In fact, he is my spiritual director virtually where I get direction in life through his weekly blog entry as part of my Sabbath. So far, it has never failed me. He seems to be a leader with healthy ego and self esteem without the need to constantly get approval and attention from others.

If I don't love and accept myself, I realize that honest constructive feedback will be distorted and become destructive words meant to harm or hurt me. Words that are meant for my growth from wise people will be misinterpreted as weapons to attack my pride and ego. Why is that so? That is because my self esteem is low. My self acceptance is not there.  I can never see the love out of those words from tough love as I think these people are out to attack me as I, myself, do not even accept my true self or reject part of myself. If not, my ego may be so inflated that I only want to acknowledge the good part of me and refuse to humble myself that I am still a human with flaws and need people to remind me or help me to be aware of these areas of improvement. There is this lopsided view of myself that I am blinded by such inflated ego for me to have the opportunities to grow.

Personally, as I open and humble myself over the years with healthier self esteem and ego, I can see myself clearer and clearer and I am open to constructive feedback from others. Also, while I humble myself, I also do not allow others to abuse me in any ways. Sometimes, when some people are angry with me for keeping silence about certain unhappiness, I am very touched that they tell me off and remind me to speak up. People need people afterall. The fact that all of us come from another people's wombs have shown us that. Our existence also comes from another humans. When we are sick, we need doctors to treat us. Even doctors need other doctors to treat them when they are sick. This tells me nobody is an island. There is nothing to be arrogant about. If I am smart, so many people out there are smarter than me. If I am pretty, so many women out there are prettier than me. The list can go on and on. The competition is never ending. Instead of lamenting over what I do not have, why do I not count my blessings? I may not have what others have. However, what I have, others may not have too. That makes everyone of us unique masterpiece of God. That makes us different parts of the body of Christ coming together to grow to be more complete in God with Jesus as the head.

Humility is that key to the world of possibilities, miracles. Often, people who are arrogant or full of themselves will have difficulties in experiencing miracles with gratitude even if miracles are right in front of them as they are too full of themselves or they think they deserve the privileges. They want to have control over everything and everyone that there is no room for God to work wonders. They can never fathom love at a deep level as they have played God to have control over everything and everyone. Even if they suffer, they may use suffering as tools to bring attention to themselves. I have met such people in my life. It amuses me that suffering can be a tool for self glorification. In fact, it hurt me if a close friend were to do that. It shows that he has been feeling empty inside and has never experienced love at a deep level, seeing suffering as part of his KPI to attain holiness. He has never loved himself as part of God's creation out of Love. If he loves himself, he will not 'seek' or look forward to such suffering, thinking that only through suffering will a person become deep with substance. Suffering is not god that fills us inside. It is God who is Love, with suffering or not.

Why do some sick people fight for life? When they fight for life, it does not mean that they do not accept God's will. It means while accepting God's will, they still do their very best, despite the pain, torture, grief, etc. as part of Human's fallen nature to live life to the fullest even if they do not feel like doing it at times. They fight out of Love. They make full use of the treatment available to keep going so that they may continue to use their talents and presence to share God's love with the others even if they may feel like giving up at times as our flesh is weak and prone to give up easily. It is this fight against giving up when our body is giving way. These people do not control the results. They just give their best to love themselves, others and God with whatever limited energy, capacity, talents left out of their illness. It is not just as simple as to just keep oneself alive. It is this faith out of Love for God, others and self as part of the creation of God that one fights against one's weak flesh which is prone to giving up and self will which may not even be God's will to not to give up on hope but to have this faith to continue to live to love. As long as I am alive, it is God's will for me to continue to live with hope and continue my mission to share God's love with others, giving cheerfully and receiving with gratitude and thanksgiving to the givers and God. When we give thanks to others for the love we receive with gratitude, we are thanking Jesus at the same time as Jesus is in everyone. What we do to our brothers and sisters is what we are doing to Jesus.

Stat loving yourself as you are part of God's creation. If you think you are ugly or stupid or unworthy, you are using those terms on God as you are part of Him. Count your blessings. If rubbish can be recycled, if faeces can be used as organic fertilizers for crops and plants to grow, how about us as children of God? If we think we are junks, then God becomes the biggest junk as we are part of the magnificent Him. It is up to us to open ourselves for God to use us creatively to share His Love with the others. God is Love. As part of this infinite Love, we are all parts of Love. Therefore, our mission in life is called to love, not just others and God, but also ourselves as the very part of the creation of Love within His Divine Plan. As long as you are living, it is never too late to start loving. God loves you and I love you too.

With Love,
Elena