A Rare Gem- Sincerity

Diamond is often a much sought after gem by many women for it is known for its beauty and being the hardest natural material known which the various advertisers have cleverly marketed it as a symbol of ever-lasting love between the two lovers. To me, diamond is just a stone. Beautiful but it does not have any impact on me. To me, the rare gem I look for in any relationships and friendships is known as Sincerity. During my 32 years of life, I am very blessed to have found such rare gem in a few people in my life with some much pretence and masks and politics around me no matter where I go. That is why I see these very few loved ones and friends in my life as rare jewellery which I can never buy with money. They have also taught me how to be a sincere person along the way.


I am a very task-oriented person, especially at my workplace or in school. I will make sure that I produce work with high qualty. Because of such perfectionsitic streak in me, I often suffocate people who worked with me in the projects where the deadlines were very tight. I often failed to be sensitive to their feelings and hurt them in the process. It was so bad that I even treated my friends as projects. Whenever they were in troubles, I would always be there to help them. However, I would disappear from their lives when they were moving on fine and appear when they were in troubles again. I did that for many years until my close friends sat down and talked to me many years ago. I was very shocked when one of my close friends told me she did not need a counselor who would only be there when she needed help but would disappear when she was fine. She needed a friend to share not just her sorrows but also her joy. The other close guy friend of mine complained that he did not want to be one of my projects and he often did not feel appreciated. He even told me off that presents from me would not buy our friendship. All he wanted from me was I would be sincere in my friendship by being true to my feelings and true to him in my friendship with him. Even my deceased mummy whom I love dearly complained that I should care for her directly if I really cared for her. She did not want me to care for her quietly at a distance. All these complaints from my loved ones woke me up. What I lack in all those examples was being true and sincere which I found from them. I simply treated them as projects without knowing which hurt them inside.

Perhaps, I have been in the corporate world for too long where I am constantly in battlefield with poiltics around. I was even exposed to such politics in school during my schooldays. What I find more sick is I even see it in church. Most of us have to wear masks with hidden agendas. I am pretty sick of such matters. I am very tired of it. I will never want to be involved with such politics which I find meaningless and silly. To me, even if I gain power, what is the point of being lonely up there? I often look at those people who are playing politics in church with some leaders and priests getting involved. I really pity them. Perhaps, for these priests, they only have that small world for them to gain power and enjoy having pets following them and feel secure as they can no longer and may not be capable of gaining power in the corporate world. As for the followers and leaders who fight against one another, they know that they do not have the capability to gain power outside church which is why they choose to fight against people who are just as broken as or more broken than them who are all depending on God. I have teachers during schooldays or colleagues at workplace and brothers and sisters in the church telling me if I know about the politics that people play and how they have badmouthed me or abused me or even bullied me. My answer is always, 'Yes, I know.' What goes on in my head is, 'Even if I know, is there a need to play along? Why do I have to waste so much energy and time on such politics, especially in church where I do not have pay increment or promotion even if I win? What glory is there in winning in church where I only beat the broken people? It does not make me any holier by being closer to any priests or Archbishop or even the Pope. By playing politics to get closer to them while badmouthing or preventing others from getting help from them, I show my ugly side and deprive others who really need help from them of getting any help. Even if I show others I know who the people are with hidden agendas and play politics, does that mean that I am smarter than the others?' So far, all I have been doing is just to sit down and observe with amusement. I am only concerned with people who really need help. Instead of wasting my energy and time on playing politics which may drain me very fast, I rather spend my energy and time on helping those people who need help.

I am definitely not a holy person. Instead, I am a rebellious, impulsive and much distracted person who drift around alot and yet am very blessed with my loved ones and friends who are sincere and true to me in our friendships and relationships and are always there for me no matter how long or far I have drifted away. I seldom express my appreciation to them as I am very bad with expression of feelings as I live in my head most of the time. My temper is always very bad when it comes to sorting out my feelings as I find them hard to understand and rationalize. But, I treasure these loved ones and friends as my precious jewellery deeply within me. They are very special to me. Each of them has a space in my heart even if some of them have left me. I feel very honoured whenever they share about their deeper selves to me, about how they feel about themsleves, about their secrets, joys and sorrows. I do feel burdened at times because I get worried for them, I do feel for them though I may advise them at a rational level. But, that is what makes us human beings with Love. It also reminds me that I have feelings since I live in my head most of the time. Their sincere sharing binds us stronger in friendships and relationships between them and me. I appreciate their honesty in pointing out my mistakes and correcting me in private when necessary though I may get offended and frustrated during those moments. But, I know they do it out of my own good. It is better than nobody bothers to correct me at all. I have also learnt from their honest and true confession of what I have done to hurt them. I felt very touched when my close guy friend told me he felt very hurt and angry when I told him off in front of everyone. He asked me not to do that in public and he told me I could tell him off in private. He was willing to take my nonsense out of the tantrums that I threw as long as I kept that between him and me. I deeply appreciated that. At least, he was honest with me and our relationship improved and we became closer. He transformed part of my life with his sincere love and led me out to the light in terms of romantic relationship.

I have never believed in relationships or friendships where there is no direct communication with each other at all. It is no doubt romantic to have someone who walks with and cares for you quietly, even at a distance at times. But, what kind of relationship is there if the two people in the relationship do not have the guts and humility to have direct communication and care for each other at all? Since I always seek improvement in all things and relationships and friendships, for such relationships without direct contact, I will simply give up and move on as such relationships will lead to nowhere but to more misunderstandings especially with people with hidden agendas around us to cause chaos or biases or gossips. Just imagine if your spouse loves you but keeps to himself and walks quietly with you without any action or words of concern at all, will you be sure that he loves you? An another example would be if your boyfriend cares for you alot but chooses to pray quietly for you without any actions or words of concern or quality time spent together at all, will you ever know that he cares and can the relationship be ever stronger or maintain at all? Nowadays, the modern technology allows us to communicate with one another through facebook, MSN, emails, skype, SMS, etc.. It is good in a way that no matter how far we are from one another physically, we can still connect with one another. But, it can also be a hindrance from true human communication as we cannot communicate face-to-face and feel that person's presence. Can you touch or hug or kiss him through the gadgets? Can you feel directly the person's touch and warm feelings from him? Sometimes, those communication channels through such gadgets will cause a lot of misunderstanding as we do not get to see the facial expression of the other parties, body languages, tones and pitch of voice, and the written words sent are up to the parties to interpret which may not be what I have meant at first, etc. I have seen friends having conflicts because of messages sent online and some have even broken their friendships due to such miscommunication.

All Saints' Day is tomorrow. Basically, I do not have to read about the saints to learn from them about living in Christ way. I have a few people in my life who have touched me deep within. They are the living saints to me. All of them have this rare gem of sincerity deep within them even if many people may disagree with what they do or say at times. These people, just like the saints, know that they do not live to please people but to love God and people. They even sacrifrice themselves if needed. My deceased mummy is one of these saints in my life. Though many teachers and students mocked at her and verbally abused her, she did not fail to go back to school to teach even when she had relapse at times. She was still a dedicated teacher who sincerely wanted to impart her knowledge and taught the students even till her death. She still loved despite the mockery and abuse from the others. She had made a lot of efforts to teach me how to love people with sincerity when she was still around. I am seldom close to priests and often deal with them at a professional level where they are just authorities appointed by God to minister to us and I respect them because they are my elders, except for a few of them whom I have true respect for them for I see this rare gem of sincerity in them. One of them is Fr JJ from IHM. He treats everyone with kindness and true smile. I really respect him for his honesty about his own past mistakes during my confession to him at times so as to make me understand certain issues. To me, it takes a lot of humility for a priest to confess his past mistake to a parishioner so that she can learn from his mistake. The other priest is Fr Albert Renckens. I followed him for two years to learn introductory Philosophy from him when he was still around. One thing I admire about him was his honesty with his views towards certain issues though it might not go according to certain laws. I would always felt welcome with his sincere greeting and smile. I can still remember vividly how he had held my hand with a big smile as a father, talking to Fr Paul Goh about me attending his lessons. His grip was very fatherly as if God was holding me with Love. He had never failed to explain his lessons clearly and as simply as possible to make sure everyone understood them. He never looked down on anyone at all though some of them were very slow. The other priest is Fr Paul Goh. I knew him from OLPS. I always go to him for major sins and I can always be true to him with my flaws. He never judges me and always welcome me to go to him for help. Instead of judging me, he teaches me how to make my flaws work for the good of the others. If my sins are serious, he does not fail to correct me. But, he will never judge or ostracize me. This is the face of Christ I see in him and it gives me the confidence to go for confession no matter how bad my past experience was with some priests during my confession. The last priest whom I see this rare gem is Fr Aloysius. He is the only young priest whom I respect alot so far. I read his blog. He is very honest with his feelings and thoughts. He does not write which should be politically correct. He is true to himself and people. That was why I chose him as my spiritual director as I think it takes a lot of courage and humility to be true to one's feelings and thoughts. Even when I went to him for spiritual direction, he would be very frank with his communication with me. I see sincerity in all these priests whom I respect deeply as they do not select people to help. They may have their own flaws or close friends from the parishes and yet they do not select people to mingle with or serve. They show the same care and dedication to everyone and have taught me to be sincere and true to my feelings, thoughts and myself. I also have a few close friends who have gone through thick and thin with me for many years. I thank them for caring for me from their hearts and correct me when necessary. It should take a lot of courage for them to correct me as I am known for my impatience and bad temper. All these people are saints in my life with such rare gem of sincerity in them which I can hardly find in the world today. Their sincerity has melted my hardened heart and wilfulness bit by bit over the years for me to be more and more complete.

This gives me the hope and strength to continue to brave through storms in life as I experience God's Love through such sincere people. I should also learn from them to be more sincere with my feelings and myself with them. I must learn to care for people directly, especially my loved ones. I should also learn to have more face-to-face communication with them uinstead of writing to them. If not, I can never bring our relationships to higher levels. Jesus is also one good example for me to learn from. When it was time for rebuke, he would rebuke his disciples and the Pharisees and the other characters out of Love. He did not try to please the Sadducees and Pharisees. He was also true with his feelings as he mourned over the death of Lazarus. He did not care from a distance. Rather, he cared for people directly through his face-to-face communication with the people, spending quality time to have meals and share common activities with them, allowing the sick and sinners to touch him or him touching them directlyto heal them, etc. He was always having this gem of sincere love in him by being true as a Son of Man. There was no tint of pretence in him. He did not wear masks to face anyone. Life here is short. Though it is only transitory here before we go to the other side, one of the secrets to live life to the fullest is to use this rare gem of sincerity to love others and God so that the light from this rare gem will radiate from within bringing light of hope to others' lives and Love to tenderize the hearts of others.
 
With Love,
Elena