I am very blessed to have been a bridesmaid or ‘sister’ to my loved ones and friends as the brides since primary 4. I would always feel very honoured to be part of their wedding. I also can’t remember how many times I have been a bridesmaid or ‘sister’ to the brides. Till now, I have been privileged to be invited to weddings with the most recent one on the last Saturday. I am always filled with joy to see two people coming together and commit themselves through the vow of marriage. It is done based their own will. It requires a big step and courage from the both of them to want to live life together for the rest of their lives with a lot of uncertainties and challenges ahead. Sometimes, I think this risk is even greater than the one in the casino. What they are risking with are the rest of their lives. Whenever I see couples getting married, I always wonder when I will be the one or if I will ever be the one as it must be blessed by God. It is a gift from God. I always find marriage one of the greatest miracles in life. Out of so many billions and billions of people in the world, only some of these people come into my life. And, out of these many people who come into my life, some become my friends. And, out of these friends, only one becomes my spouse. Don’t you think your spouse is God sent gift to you?
I always think that it is very dangerous to marry someone based on external qualities alone such as wealth, looks, status, some positive traits, etc. Why do I say they are dangerous to be the basis for marrying a person? That is because all these traits or qualities will fade with time as they never last. For instance, a person may lose her beauty with age or get disfigured in an accident or by illness, a person may become bankrupt one day or a person may show certain negative traits after living with him and you may think that the person has cheated you with his positive traits when you may be too blinded by his certain positive traits and have failed look at him as a whole. When all these traits or qualities are gone, the marriage will collapse with nothing as the strong foundation. But, of course, God may draw the two people together through these traits initially that the two people come together. But, this admiration and liking have to slowly change into love where the two people reveal themselves honestly to each other and slowly nurture this love towards union through marriage and continue to grow in Love for the rest of their lives together. What is the strong foundation for marriage? It is God’s Love. If the two persons in the marriage set their focus right on God and attempt to pray together, the Holy Spirit will guide the couple in their marriage. Only God knows what is in us the best for we are created by Him. God’s Love can never change. When marriage is built based on God’s Love, no storms can be greater than this Love. It gives the couple the confidence to face issues or the storms together. Praying together can help the couple to set focus right within marriage and walk on the same path towards holiness as guided by the Holy Spirit while the strength from the Love can carry the couple through the storms and temptations in fidelity.
It is even worse when a person thinks that he can change his spouse to be the person he wants after marrying her. In such case, if the spouse does not change according to the image he wants, there is a high chance of filing for divorce. He does not marry the person as who she is in this case. He simply falls in love with the imagined perfect image in his mind and wants to impose his will on his spouse to be this imagined perfect image. He does not love the person as who she is. The two persons’ duties in the marriage are to grow and love each other as two unique masterpieces coming together as one in God where they are respected and loved for who they are as individuals and yet called to be living as one in God. It becomes very detrimental when one claims that he knows his spouse completely and judges her harshly. My question is he is not God. How can he claim that he knows his spouse completely? Things and people in this world change from time to time. How can he be sure that she will never change? She may have some hidden traits or talents to be realized or brought out. It is always a great gift to discover his spouse gradually with open mind and heart without being biases or presumptions. He will never know how capable or how far she can have breakthroughs in her life. A loving spouse will encourage and give the love she needs to step out of her comfort zone to grow and appreciate her being created by God. For example, I have a friend who had never cooked and was very introverted who kept to herself before she got married. However, after getting married, with the encourage and support and love from her spouse, I am very surprised by her drastic change of being able to cook for her spouse daily and she even has the courage to stand before a big crowd on the stage, going to different parts of Malaysia for her evangelization with her spouse. Imagine if her spouse were to be judgemental towards her for being such a spoilt brat who did not know how to cook and being introverted and timid, do you think that she will ever go beyond her comfort zone to serve God with her hidden or untapped potential and talents? Before even entering into marriage with this person, ask yourself if you can accept him as who he is if he does not change according to what you want. If you can’t imagine having a future with him as he is now, it is advisable not to get married. You may not love and accept him as who he is.
Communication is very essential in any relationships, especially in marriage. Without communication, the two parties in the relationship will speculate alot with a lot of presumptions which lead to misunderstandings and conflicts in the end. If these conflicts and misunderstandings continue to accumulate, it will lead to broken relationships and divorce with scars and wounds left in the both parties deep within. It is always destructive to abuse each other verbally or physically when both parties are hot in their heads. Never belittle the harsh words used during fights as both parties may not mean what they say but they still say them out out of winning the fights at times or emotions have got the better of them. After the fights, the injuries have been inflicted on the other party. It is always wise for both parties to cool down before discussing the issues or conflicts. If one party is not ready, there is no point in forcing the message across to her as she is not receptive or ready to listen to you. It will only cause more frustration and anger in her. After both parties have calmed down, the issues have to be discussed. If hidden or avoided deliberately, sooner or later, such similar issues may arise again as they still exist between them even though they may even pretend they do not exist. If certain issues are too complex or too much to be handled, it is advisable to get third party in such the family counsellors as they are trained in such areas. A person may also get advice from friends or older people who are married for advice but have to be very careful in selecting people for advice as they may give you the wrong advice or some of them may have ill intentions or not in the right state to give sound advice.
For a marriage to work, the two persons must die to themselves bit by bit to live as one in God. It is easy to meet someone once in awhile and be happy but it takes alot to live together under the same roof daily as each person is different with different way of living and habits and characters. Sometimes, conflicts will definitely rise up. This is where they have to forgive ‘seventy seven times’. It requires them to die to their pride and admit their mistakes and ask for forgiveness. It requires a lot of patience and love and generous hearts for the two persons to forgive what they have done wrong to each other, especially sins that have been habitual. Sometimes, he may have problems with certain sins that he tries so hard to break and change. That is when he may need help from professionals or priests, depending on the nature of the sins. He will seek help if he loves himself and his spouse enough that he is willing to put down his ego and humbles himself to grow out of the sins so as to love his spouse even in a more Christ way. His spouse’s support and love to encourage him and go through the process of help from professionals or priests with him will help him to carry his crosses much easier as he is not doing it alone but with his spouse and this will help the couple to stand even more united in Love. The marriage will go up to the next level towards holiness. Dying to self also means that there is a lot of give and take in daily living together. I have a friend who shared with me it even boils down to the matters of bedroom where adjustment of details has to be done by both parties. What is the point if a party insists of wanting his way, his needs and wants satisfied without considering his partner’s? A taste of heaven can only be experienced when the two persons are willing to sacrifice parts of themselves when called forth because of love for each other as part of God’s Love where they place God top on the list followed by the goodness of the others.
Why do I title the blog entry as ‘Even death can’t doth us apart’? A person may think that after the death of his spouse, she is gone. She is torn away from him. She is away from him and he can never see her again on earth. True to certain extent. She may not be physically around anymore for him to experience her love expressed through her actions and spoken words by her physical body through his five senses as a human in flesh. But, it is not true to the large extent as her spirit of love is part of him. He can never deny that she had loved him when she was still around physically. And, this fact that she had expressed her love to him through her actions and words become the spirit of love deep within him as part of God’s Love. His spouse is just an instrument of God’s Love to him. The love from his spouse is part of God’s Love to let him have a taste of heaven. In fact, after her death, she is even closer to him as her spirit of love dwells deep within him. And, the beauty of it is he can still unite with her through the prayers for the dead during every Eucharistic celebration and spend time with her on All Souls’ Day yearly by celebrating her being as God’s gift to him. He knows he will be united with her one day when his mission on earth is completed and the Lord calls him home to unite with her. Meanwhile, God will take care of her. He may miss her from time to time but he can never deny that they are connected so strongly that even death can’t doth them apart with her spirit of love being part of him. He will appreciate her presence in his life at a higher spiritual level.
It is always a choice whether the two persons want to work together and share lives as one in God. It is never easy as mentioned in the marriage vow. The covenant of Holy Matrimony is only proclaimed within minutes during the wedding mass but takes a lifetime to walk the talk. Marriage is not just the two persons’ affairs alone. The families of both parties are involved as the families are also merged as one big family. The parents of each other become their own parents and they must love each other’s parents with love and patience. Sometimes, conflicts will arise between his spouse and parents. His spouse must learn to give and take and love her in-laws as her own parents. If not careful, the two persons may end up in divorce. This is also part of fulfilling the vow of marriage of going through thick and thin with Love no matter what, even in sickness or suffering. If the two persons insist of going their own ways, it will lead to no way. How can two persons walk the same path as one by leading self centered lives where the love of self is above everyone else and God? There is no room for God to work in the marriage, not to mention about any room for the spouse in him.
I always love church wedding as this marriage is blessed by God in the person of a priest in Love. I always love the part of the wedding mass where the bride is marching down the aisle of the church toward the groom to be united with him. Why do I love it so much? I love the virtue of waiting. Time can never be bought. Once it is lost, it is lost and can never be reversed. When the groom waits for his bride to march towards him slowly, it shows that his love for her is so deep that he is willing to sacrifice his time to wait for her to unite with her. Also, it is always beautiful to have one’s chastity for his spouse as a gift to her. It may sound conservative and old-fashioned. This chastity is his love left specially for his spouse where he can truly taste the heaven on earth with his spouse during their consummation in wanting to bear fruits of love between them. It is not a tool to satisfy the instant gratification but as a gift that is the best to be enjoyed with the beloved one in his life. Imagine if he has been sleeping around loosely with many women, then what is left for his spouse on this very special night as a gift from God? This chastity of both parties is kept to be expression of love for each other to taste the heaven through consummation to bear fruits out of this love. It is connection as one not just at a physical level but also at emotional, mental and spiritual levels. It is one of the miracles of Love that the two persons can enjoy at the highest level which no words can describe such awe. So, the virtue of waiting is what I treasure the most in life. It is also all about waiting to see how the two parties discover and explore and appreciate each other deeper and deeper as time passes by. I always find it a great blessing when a person can hold hands with his spouse right into old age and tells her he loves her as not everyone has the luxury to grow old together as one person may pass on before the other or they choose to divorce. It is never mushy to express love once in awhile through gifts or words of affection to the other half as all of us are human beings who need such ‘hugs’ from time to time so that this love will keep each other strong to face the challenges outside and stay strong and colourful in the marriage with each other. Being there for each other serves as a pillar for each other no matter how tough times may be out there as the two persons know they always have each other waiting at home for comfort and love. This love and security of presence for each other will strengthen each other with deep meaning to face any challenges in life.
Marriage is very beautiful. It is a gift from God for a person to experience God‘s love through intimate union with another person who is his spouse. Whether the marriage is heaven or hell, it is up to the two persons to work things out together in Love through lifetime commitment with a lot of patience, acceptance, forgiveness and love and dying of self. It is very beautiful to fall in love with each other again and again in the mystery of Love.
With Love,
Elena
No comments:
Post a Comment