Lk 18:9-14
I always find this parable very amusing. I was smiling away while reflecting on this parable as I think I am also capable of behaving like the Pharisee at times, thinking that I am the holy one looking down on the others as sinners and judging them harshly. Worse still, I may even gossip about them or bad mouth them or circulate negative emails about them or even get others to come to my side to go against them. I am laughing at myself that this act is already a sin by itself as I put people down deep within me and segregate myself from the others, leading to division in the community. My act of gossiping, bad-mouthing them, circulating negative emails about them or getting others to come to my side to go against them leads to sin of murder at spiritual, emotional and mental levels or even physical level at times. To be exact, it started from my sin of pride where I bring glory to myself by putting others down and placing myself above others and God. In actual fact, I am the clown by doing that as I am just as sinful as the others. That is why my name is still Elena but not St Elena. I still have to go through purification and transformation here like the others. Sometimes, my failures do good to me by reminding me that I am not God but a fallen human afterall who need others and God in my Christian journey which humbles me.
How many times have I tried to correct the others and seen myself as holier than the others just because I spend regular time with God before the Blessed Sacrament often, meditating on His Word daily, participating the masses as often as I can, going for regular confession, and writing about my experiences with God? If this is the case, it is dangerous. I will become self righteous, bringing glory to myself instead of to God. Rather, whenever I go to God, I should examine myself deeply following the example of the ‘tax collector’ beating ‘his breast and prayed, 'O God, be merciful to me a sinner.'’ so that I will be truly repentant, confessing my sins before God honestly and opening myself for God to transform me.
I have just finished a book on ‘Just as You Are’ by Paul Coutinho, SJ. He mentioned in his book that there are many good people out there but may not have God in their lives, just like the Pharisees who were good, following the laws and teaching others to do so, helping others and playing their roles in life responsibly. However, Christian living is not just about being good. It is about being sincere and true to my being and feelings and lift my true being including all my feelings, secrets, fears, worries, etc. up to God so that God can transform me and I can love myself as a beloved child of God as created by Him. This will allow God to work through my flaws so that His Love penetrates into me and I will be deeply filled with Love. And I respond by loving God for He has first loved me through giving me the breath of life. Only then, I can love others in a Christ way. If I am not true to myself with God, I am lying under the skin of a good holy person and will not be able to love others in a Christ way as my focus is just trying to be good for myself without the element of God’s Love in my life. I really doubt if I will ever be able to live life to the fullest as what God has meant for me without God in me.
With Love,
Elena
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