It is rather interesting that after shooting my loved one with a harsh email to wake him up on Sunday, Fr Rolheiser's blog post is about what I have written to him. I thank God for telling me that I have done the right thing by visiting him and slapping him with an email known as a tough love email. My intention is never to put him down. It's just that it pains me to see him cooping himself in that small world with such strong protection. How can a person grow and realize his potential in that way? I really do not want him to realize certain things and regret when it is too late for him to do anything. Yes, my behaviour seems audacious. For me, it requires me a lot of faith and courage to even see him. It takes a lot of prayers and faith to even dare to write that last email to slap him hard. Why do I want to make my life so difficult when I could have just ignored him and moved on? I believe God still informs me of his illness for certain purposes which I do not know what. As and when God prompts me to do certain things, I will follow even if it means I may get into trouble as I know obeying God out of love will produce good fruits which may not be immediate. I am very thankful that Fr Rolheiser has been my virtual spiritual director as I have been visiting his blog weekly for guidance and spiritual input.
Now, all I pray is that he will wake up. I hope he knows that I was doing it out of love with God's guidance. I am not there to put him down. Most people have been telling him what he wants to hear. That is good to keep him moving. But, I think he also needs to listen to what he needs for him to grow. Nobody wants to be this bad guy. So, I will be the one. Everyone wants to be in his good shoes. I also want but I am called to play the 'bad' guy in his life. He has been taking me for granted until I decided to scold him in my last email for doing so. I am God's child. I can't see why I may allow him to abuse me in any ways. He also has to learn to respect people. He keeps thinking that people are there to harm or hurt him in any ways. With such strong protection, how can he ever experience Love at a deeper level? Not to even mention at a deeper level, he controls so much that love cannot even enter his heart. One does not need to have suffering and illness to experience God's love at a deeper level and reach out to others. Some Christians have this warped perception that they must have suffering or even find suffering in order to be as holy as Jesus and become worthy. They have missed the whole point altogether. I have half of the people in my life with suffering and yet never learn their lessons. In fact, they use their suffering for self glorification and pity and even attack us. I also have half of the people who have smooth sailing healthy life and yet they are able to love others with what they have in Christ way. Look at my boss. She has been leading smooth sailing and rich life. She has been healthy. And yet, I am very amazed at how she readily forgives, never put herself high up there. In fact, I feel happy working with her and never for once, feel like I am working under her. She would drive us around for good food. She also would remind us of certain things in our personal lives. She would remember everyone's birthday in the team and forks out her own hard earned money to celebrate everyone's birthday. At workplace, I feel like she is a mother, a serving leader. Under her leadership with my colleagues, I have grown to be healthier. I have learnt to love myself even more. They encourage me to be myself. If I have done anything wrong they would point out nicely. My faith is more mature and growing with them than in the church. My colleagues' ranks are all higher than mine. But, they will take over some of my tasks when they see that I need help without me asking most of the time. So, I grow much more mature in faith with them and with such love with gratitude, I reach out to others to share God's love with them.
Who we grow with on a daily basis is important. It forms most part of us. Yes, it is very easy to say what our loved ones want to hear which is pleasing to their ears. It is good to pamper them when needed. But, if we keep doing it even if they are wrong, we are leading them to have distorted perception of self and thus, living in the world of lies. Their pride and ego will inflate so much that there is no room for love and for them to receive any constructive feedback which helps them to grow with others to be more complete in Love. How can a person live in truth in that way with such distorted self perception? Nobody wants to be a bad guy to say what is needed to be said for our loved ones to have this self awareness as they may not be pleasing to their ears and affecting our relationships with them. If relationships are really so readily broken by these words out of necessary tough love, I should say I may readily forgo such relationships as these relationships are not mature and that the recipients have placed their pride higher than love.
I don't think I will ever see him again based on his reaction during my first and last hospital visit to him. It is very unreasonable when he does not bother to communicate with me and yet he wants to be angry with me for what I have written or said. I am not God and I will never know what he thinks without any communication with me. Then, isn't he contributing to the misunderstanding? How can he be angry with me then? How would I know what I have said or done to make him angry? All I pray for him is he will interpret my email (which I prayed before penning it down) properly according to the fruits that God wants him to get out of it and start living life to the fullest with truth and self love in Christ way so that his love towards others will be sincere and true and his writing will be filled with grace and depth out of the deep love from within. I have seen him doing that many years ago and I know he can make it again even without having any suffering or illness. He is worthy of love and capable of love as long as his very strong self protection is melted by God's love and he opens himself in receiving love in surprising and fun way without undue fear. Whether we reconcile or not, it is no longer up to me as I have done my best. It is up to him now depending on his faith....
With Sincere Love to my Dear Friend,
Elena
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