How long can I go on at this rate?

Not here to broadcast my pain. Anyway, nobody really visits this blog. I guess this is the only channel where I can let my feelings and thoughts out as I don’t feel like communicating with anyone. People got scolded by me. I no longer joke at workplace. What is wrong with me? It has been a week since the news of his illness. Till now, I can only have one or half a meal per day. Beyond that, I get diarrhea. My sleep is badly affected. Don’t ask me why. I find it silly. My communication with people is minimal. I know it is silly. I also find it stupid. At the rate I go, my body will give way. I know I have lost weight. My mum has been nagging at me for not eating. With menstruation, it is even worse. My body gets bruises easily. Maybe, it is lack of blood. It always happens if my body is too weak or lack of blood. I have even trying to eat and sleep as much as I can. I am just too upset to eat or sleep.

For him, despite his illness, he is enjoying his birthday celebration with his supporters and friends. From what he wrote and told others, he is enjoying the lots of attention from people around the world. He seems to be enjoying it and he wants it this way and no other ways. Actually, that has been very him; Lots of attention and care from many people. He is also trying to show others how strong his faith is despite his illness. I think this is his way of coping with his illness.

Somehow, something deep within me has told me that I am blessed that he is not the right man for me even if I liked him or he is available to marry me. I guess this is not the kind of man to be my spouse. Not that he is bad. Somehow, this is not the kind of man I am looking for as my spouse. I need a mature Christian who readily forgives and loves others in Christ way. When facing problems or conflicts with others, he does not run away but to face them. Most importantly, he is sincere and honest with himself and others. From the way he handles me, I am very disappointed. It is as if I were his sin. I do not know why he does not have the guts to face me. It has already come to this stage where he may be gone at any time and I have been badly affected. As a woman, I have already humbled myself to ask for forgiveness and reconciliation when both of us play our parts in the misunderstanding and conflicts between us.

I admit I have spiritual bond with him. It has been so strong that I can’t break it even after years of not contacting him or even running away from him. In February this year, I was thinking if he could be back in Singapore. Something just prompted me that with zero information about him. This is scary. Why can’t I just break that spiritual bond as we no longer have any form of contact or connection? This spiritual bond is killing me inside. I can feel how he feels. It is not something I enjoy. I am not sure if he is just putting on a strong front as a public figure to show others he is strong in faith or to assure the people around him that he is doing very well. But, why needs plenty of attention around the world? I don’t know. I have met countless sick people. Most of them do not need so much attention to keep them moving on.  

I am not sure how he sees me now. I think that when a person is contracting terminal disease, it is not just about him. It is also about other people in his life. If he leaves, does it mean that the people who do not have closure with him have to suffer for the rest of their lives? I spoke to my wise colleague about it but never specify who he is. My colleague knows that all I want is a closure with reconciliation. My colleague even told me as a man, as a Christian, we should be forgiving and generous to forgive and reconcile with the others. Unfortunately, most of the churchgoers do not practise that.

I think if he has mentality that it is not important to reconcile with me, I should say that there is a certain level of discrimination. It’s like I am not worthy of his time for such reconciliation and forgiveness. It’s as if I were the adulterous woman to be stoned. I am not sure if he knows he has stoned me and I am bleeding to death. Am I really such a sinner? He always thinks that I have ulterior motives towards him. But, how sure is he that the people around him do not have? Some of them have stopped me from reconciling with him and deliberately telling me he is treating them better than me. Do true Christians practice that? I really doubt their sincerity towards him too. Christians should promote forgiveness and reconciliation but not division or competition to gain favour. If I have ulterior motives towards him, I wouldn’t have broken all the contacts with him and even left the church so that he could study well and come back for his holidays with ease without seeing me. Why did I have to go to such extent? Knowing that leaving the church at that time would invite more gossips and yet I left because I wanted to break the spiritual bond between us and gave him the comfort that I was no longer in his life. Has he ever thought of that? All I did for the past few years was to quietly pray for him. It is very tough to keep on suppressing and bottling up everything with me. Even some of my friends and people who do not really know me feel that I keep a lot of things within myself, sometimes to the extent of affecting my health.

After he has left my church, I did continue to go there for one year. Why did I leave? I left because I saw him standing at the door of the centre. Upon seeing me, he disappeared. If not, he kept coming back to my church and I also saw him outside quite frequently. He might have come back for his supporters or me. To make sure I was not the hindrance to his growth, I decided to leave my church. It was a bitter move. When he moved overseas, I stopped all contacts and disappeared. Not that I hate him but love him. When I mention love, it does not necessarily mean romantic love. Love is something universal. I remember when some church people confronted me about issues regarding him, I mentioned about love. They twisted it and it became romantic love. Yes, I did have certain liking towards him but I love him more. That is why I have never done anything sinful when he was around. I kept a distance away from him and made others aware of our behavior towards each other so that we would not sin while helping him along the way. When he served in ministries, I never disturbed him. Sometimes, I even excused myself. When I served, if I found his presence disturbing me, I would tell him. When he had a big performance, I did not appear so that he could focus on his performance and enjoyed it with his supporters and loved ones. I supported him quietly back in church for some event and even got insinuated by my leader.

So what if I had a certain level of liking towards him? I think some women around him have liking towards him. They even flirt with him and keep others from going near him. They even say unpleasant things to me to keep me away from him not out of protection but out of insecurity that he may grant me favour over them. Liking is no big deal. I have been very honest with my feelings with him so that he will know how to handle me. If I love a person, I would not want to hide anything. I value honesty. I do not follow him in and out daily like some women around him. I am sorry I do not know how to please him or even flirt. If he is wrong, I think I should inform him so that he could grow and improve. If I were to be wicked, I would hide my feelings and flirt with him and get him to like me. But, I really do not have the heart to do it.

He is down with sickness now. I hope he will stop running away from things so that he will not leave with regrets and leaving others in regrets. There is no such as reaching out to people is more important than reconciling with people in his life. If you can’t even reconcile with people in your life, how big and sincere can your heart be to reach out to others? Or is the person not important enough for you to reconcile with him or her? Then, there is a certain level of discrimination. You have divided the people in your life into who are worthy and who are not. Did Jesus only die for some people but not all? For the person who has passed on, he has left with regrets. But, after his death, he has got no more regrets leaving the world. How about the surviving people? They still have to live on. Their qualities of life are affected and have to carry such regrets and burdens for the rest of their lives. Isn’t it cruel to them?

Now, all I want is to be there for him. I do not know how time he has or hard to say, how much time I have. Nobody knows who will go next. I know I do not stand anywhere in his heart from the fact that he is spending a lot of time with his loved ones and supporters. I remember him writing about not missing certain church groups when he just left for his studies. Obviously, his behavior does not say that. Whenever he comes back for holidays and even spends his last days now, he still flocks to them, celebrates with them, etc. Among these people he flocks to, most of them, especially the women, keep me away from him and stop us from reconciling with each other or even telling me he treats them better than me. Is it really out of protecting him?  

I know I am silly. I am seldom so silly. I avail myself to him so that if he needs any listening ears or anything at all, I am there for him. Mummy used to keep me away from her illness and hide from me that she was dying. She thought that by keeping it away from me, it would protect me from harm. She had underestimated my threshold of taking suffering. Instead of good intention of protecting me, my grief became complicated. Yes, it is painful to go through thick and thin and suffering with a sickly loved one. However, it is rich and the love involved is pure for both the giver and recipient to experience unconditional love to the fullest and truly understand and experience what goodness is. By keeping the people out of going through it with you, it only complicates the grief later on and the survivor will have to bear such regrets and even remorse for the rest of his life. Personally, whenever I go through suffering with people, my faith gets stronger as I rely on God out of Love for these loved ones. I know I go through it all with them not for myself but as an expression of love to them through my presence.

He is cruel to keep me out of him. I also cannot help it that we have strong spiritual bond. I cannot force him to see me. Not seeing him worries me a lot. Yes, God is taking care of him. But, I am a human after all. I care. Care would entail certain level of worry if I don’t see him at all. Am I still a sin to him? Is he sure that I am his sin?  I remember him scolding me this, “If you are not sure the person is the cause of sin, don’t carry things to the extreme.” Is he sure I am the cause of sin? Am I not worthy to care for him? Why would I want to have ulterior motive towards a sickly person?

I really do not know how long I can endure. My health is giving way with bruises appearing on my body. I am trying hard to eat. It is torturing to eat without enjoying any taste. Sometimes, standing in the train is challenging with my legs going soft. Despite feeling weak, I did try to walk very long distance to clear my mind so that by the time I reach home, I would be tired to sleep. But, it fails. I can’t work and study. I have lagged behind my current online course. Another one is coming up tomorrow. I also don’t know what to do. I just can’t focus. Crying becomes a routine. I do not know why he has affected me so much. He is enjoying his attention and care from people around the world and he has got me out of his life. He does not care a damn thing about me and doesn’t even bother to lift his fingers to reply me while having the energy and time to travel all the way from his home to his supporters’ places. Why am I so stupid to feel so sad? I also hate myself for being such a moron. I have cheapened myself. How I wish I can visit him. How I wish I can talk to him. How I wish I can see him. How I wish we can reconcile. How I wish we can eat happily together. How I wish……But all these thoughts are just my wishful thinking. He will just reply harshly as before, “Dream on!!”

People always say that I am smart. I am sorry that I am not as smart as you think from what I have written here. Do you think a smart person will be so stupid to care and worry about a person who sees her as unworthy and his sin? I am supposed to jog yesterday. Could not do so as I had sleepless night with menstruation, causing low blood pressure and bruises. I have sleepless night for tonight. I went back to church on last Friday. I gathered he was in his supporters’ house celebrating his birthday as his parents came for mass. I pretended not to know. I bumped into my deceased friend’s mum who is also my friend. She told me she missed her son. Her son committed suicide just before my birthday last year. When she told me she missed him, I was lost for words. I could only give her a hug. It upset me to see a friend so sad. I could feel her emotions and longing within. I hope to be there for her now that I have gone back to church. I am also there for my young friend who is going through tough time of abuse. I do not say that I am great. I just want to do as much as I can when I am still around. I am also there for him so that if he needs anything, he knows where to look for me.

I have just got contact details from my friend for working in USA. Her brother was washing dishes over there for half a year and managed to pay off his study loan and even bought branded stuffs back to Singapore. I am sick of my life here. I may be going over to do the same thing but for one year so that I may study there. I come from a poor family and my pay is not enough to save up. Besides, due to my poor health, I need some money with me for emergency use. My friends are concerned with my health if I really go there to wash dishes. But, that is the only way to get out of my poverty now. I have to think if my parents fall sick due to old age, we need money. If I do not get married in the future with my poor health, I need to have some money with me. I do not enjoy doing administrative work which does not suit my personality and abilities.  I need to get out of it and the only way is to have higher education.

I know the winter in US may kill me as I am prone to have asthma and legs cramps in cold countries. Breathing was challenging when I was in Australia for World Youth Day during winter a few years ago. I was in bed most of the time missing many church activities. My chest was tight and in pain most of the time. My migraine was killing me. But, I did not inform anyone. I did try to take care of my team mates who were having the same problems. I did my best but I got complaints. On the last 2^nd day of World Youth Day in Sydney, I was down with fever, flu and chest pain. What worried me was my heart problem but I was stubborn in walking that long distance carrying all the prayers with me while most of them had backed out due to a flu bug. My leader did ask me to back out. But, I refused to. If I promise something with my own will, I will make sure I fulfill it. I have not decided when I would go over to US. I really need a new environment. If there is a job vacancy, I will go over at once. If I find myself comfortable there, I will settle down there for good. Anyway, my brother and some friends told me my style is quite American. Some strangers even told me I do not give them a feeling of a Chinese. I don’t know what they meant y that. I do not like Chinese food. My colleagues all called me ‘Ang Mo’ (Caucasian) because of my preference for Western food and art. Some people even commented I looked like an American graduate. Graduates from America got look one meh? I don’t know what they mean by that.

If it is God’s will for me to go over, I will go over at once. Meanwhile, I will try very hard to survive here. I am not sure when I can start eating and sleeping normally before I say goodbye to my body. Last but not least, I hope to tell him as long as he is happy, I am happy no matter how painful it is going to be for me.

With sleepless night,

Elena