I guess we will never ever meet again. I am already out of church.I think the next time I see him will be during his funeral wake. We will never get together and talk nicely to each other and have meal together. I am scared. History is repeating itself. After I had left 'mummy' alone for two years, she just left the world suddenly leaving me with no chance to talk to her again and not even had one meal together. It's happening again. I am scared. But, I think he can't be bothered with me. His priority would be those people whom he has invited to visit him. To him, I am out of that group as usual. I am very sad to receive the news of his cancer. I am scared he would be gone at anytime. I can never finish his walk with him as he has so many people walking with him that he can't be bothered with me. Like 'mummy''s case, I did not have a chance to walk with her too. After her death, I realized she cared for me and had never given up on me. For this loved one's case, I think I should be right that he doesn't care anymore. That means I have lost him.
I have left the church and do not really contact anyone. The only person I contact is my youth. She suddenly asked me out and broke the news to me. I am thinking what God's purpose is in informing me. What can I do? All his friends and fans can go to him and care for him openly. I am the only person who have to care quietly in a corner. Why torture me in that way? Might as well let me know after he has gone. Anyway, there is no way that he will want to see me, have meal with me or talk to me at all. Why add such misery to my life? Yes, I am sad over someone who does not care. Why make me a fool once again? It's painful. Though he has forgotten me, it pains me to know that he is going through chemotherapy. He has been puking. He cares about his appearance alot but now, he has to see how his appearance changes with the side effect. I feel sad for him. I really do not want to see how a muscular and fit him turning into a skinny person beyond recognition. I had been through that with 'mummy'. Why such hell many years after that?
I really want to walk with him openly no matter how scary, horrible, terrible it is going to be rather than caring secretly. I rather go through it all with him than being protected from being hurt. But, I can't. I can't even see him or go near him. Why such things always happen to me? Am I really such a heavy sinner? In 'mummy''s case, other students and teachers who were not close to her managed to walk with her and see her for the last time. For me who was like a daughter, I was kept in the dark until she died. Then, everyone started to look for me frantically. Why such thing is happening again? Other fans and friends can walk with him and care for him directly but I have to do it in the dark. I feel miserable I sincerely care. At this stage, what ulterior motives can I have on him? He is dear to me. I did not know how dear he is to me until I kept crying for the whole night till today. I cannot function properly at work. I know once he is gone, he is gone. He is such a talented and kind person who has been changing for the better. He can reach out to much more people than me. Why him? Why not me? I rather suffer than seeing him suffer. If I don't see him, I imagine worse. But, I also don't want to disturb his rest.
For the past few years, I tried my best not to go to places where he went, got out of certain community and even stopped reading what he wrote online. I even work in the West to avoid bumping into him when he comes back from his studies. I knew nothing about him during those years. I thought everything went well and over. I did not care a damn thing about how the community misunderstood me as long as I am no longer his distraction and he was doing well overseas and came back to serve. Who knows he gets cancer suddenly? Since I am forbidden to journey with him openly, why bother to inform me?
I want to talk to him very much, care for him directly, have a meal with him but I can never do so. He doesn't have to be my lover to do that. Can always be friends. I feel hopeless. I really hope to have happy memories with him before he is gone. Why such critical illnesses always have to strike people I love deeply? Why not me? I am just an administrative staff without much contribution to society. Why not me? When they suffer, I feel tremendous pain inside. When they stop me from seeing them suffering, I feel worse.
All I want is to see him joyful and strong again. How I wish I can be there for him. He can scold me, vent his frustration on me if it is too painful, shout at me, slam the door behind me, etc. He used to complain that I did not care for him directly. I have learnt my lesson. I want to care for him directly now. I just want him to feel loved and comfortable. I am scared I can never see his smile again. I know I may be affected by his appearance but I don't mind. I can take it. I want to see him. I have been missing him as my friend. Do you know how terrible it is inside to miss a dear friend? I really want to ask him directly from my mouth how he is feeling now. I want to give him a big hug to tell him everything is alright and we are here for him. Other people can do it but I can't. Why? Why? Why? Why because of gossipers?
I really do not know why God wants me to know about his illness. Torture me? Making me a fool who cares secretly? I am stuck just like how I got stuck in 'mummy''s case. What I dread most is repeating. Am I going to take another 8 years to overcome it? Am I a curse to those who are dear to me have to suffer so much before they go? Then, I better not love anyone again.
I really pray hard for him and me to have breakthrough. Hope we could at least talk before he leaves me. Of course, I hope he gets healed. However, this is God's will. I can only lift him up to God according to the Divine Plan. I pray for more time to see him, spend time with him, to go through thick and thin with him. I have been running for too long. I really hope to have some time with this dear friend before he disappears from my life. Will I have a chance?
With heavy heart,
Elena
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