There are certain things that are beyond our control. I have always tried to control things. If I think by cutting off, the person will have a better life, I will do so regardless of my feelings. I guess when it comes to heart, you feel that way means you feel that way. You can deny, manipulate or pretend it's not there. But, do you really think it works that way? I do not cut off because I hate those people. Rather, I cut off because they are very dear to me. Do you think cutting off is easy? No. I am still a human with feelings. I am blessed to have faith to keep me going. However, sometimes, I do think if I have done the right thing by cutting off from some people. Before I cut off from anyone, I will think things through for a long time. Then, I will cut if I think is right. Somehow, I have neglected how the party feels. I did that to 'mummy' and I was wrong.
Another case is coming. I am not sure why God wants me to know about his condition as I have lost contact with him and the people around him for years. I have not even read his blog for two years. Somehow, news of him just came to me. Somehow, my sixth sense towards him is still strong which puzzles and scares me at the same time. The spiritual bond just cannot be broken no matter how much I have stayed away from him. Why is that so? I have tried too hard to break it at the point of hurtng myself. Now, I try to approach it differently. I know he is sick. I have written two emails; one to show my concern and the other for reconciliation. I am not sure how he sees it. I think he may think I am trying to be funny or get close to him. I guess I have done my part. I have tried to correct what I have done wrong. If he still sees me that way, I have nothing more to say. In fact, he should know me better than anyone as he knows things about me which others don't. At this point of time, I only hope to reconcile with him. Whatever it is, I have told him I will be there for him and I mean it. We don't have to be lovers to be there for each other. I think sincerity is all it matters. He can continue to choose to ignore me. For me, I have offered to be there. All I know is I care for him.
I think I used to care too much about the gossips around us that it made it so difficult for us to reconcile. I did try but the women around him stopped it. They said unpleasant things to keep me away from him. I am very poor in playing politics. If I have known how to play such games, I would have got his favour. But, I simply can't. So, I backed off. I really regret giving him cold shoulder. He had even come near me in front of them. He did not mind. It's not like it is sinful for us to talk in front of others. Why did I mind so much? I avoided the gossips at the expense of his feelings. I have never meant harm towards him. I have tried all ways to protect him. Sometimes, I was deliberately harsh towards him and even disappeared altogether so that he could spend time peacefully with his friends, supporters and loved ones and served others with more focus. I know he cared for me. I did not want to be his burden which was why I left the place, causing more people to misunderstand me. I couldn't be bothered.
I wonder if I have done the right thing in the name of protecting him. Why should I care what they said? I have a clear conscience. Whenever I care for him, I care as a person. I sincerely care. I have never thought of getting anything out of him. As long as he is happy, I am happy. Maybe, I have done the right thing leaving him from the fact that he is very close to his supporters and friends now. He has got all the support and attention that he needs. I think that is more than enough to keep him going through his illness. My presence and care may be redundant. Maybe, my disappearance will give him more peace to spend time with his supporters, friends and loved ones. Should I disappear again until he is gone? I am still contemplating on it. Maybe, my role is just to pray for him in silence out of his life. Most probably, this relationship has always been one sided and wishful on my part. Just take it as I am thick-skinned like how he had scolded me before. I am cheap to offer to be available for him and care.
One thing about us is we have never managed to talk to each other nicely, not to even mention about eating together. It is such simple thing to do and yet it is impossible between us. I have wondered why God put us into each other's life to create hell for each other as if our lives are not hell enough. I did try very hard to avoid him when I first knew he was approaching me as my sixth sense had told me so. In the end, he managed to talk to me. I am not sure how much time he has here. Maybe, weeks, months or even years. I know for sure, he will ignore me forever. Maybe, to him, I am still a bad woman who has ulterior motives or hidden agendas in whatever I do. Maybe, I have hurt him too much. Maybe, he just wants me out of his life. I don't know. He has never ever spoken up for me . He has never even bothered to talk to me. I think I have run away long enough. I am tired. I have already sent him two emails. Now, it is up to him if he wants to reconcile with me. For the past few years, I only kept him in my prayers and never went to him as I know that he was well taken care of and was happy with him life and healthy. I guess with his illness now, more people will flock to him to give him the support and care to keep him going. He is very well liked. People will take turn to take care of him and help him in whatever ways they can. They will protect him even more. I think he will also spend more time on them and continue to do his work. Who am I to him? I think my care is not needed. I offer him my help and care are still available to him. If he takes them as trash, so be it as long as he is well taken care of and is happy.
I am not as holy as him. He can take it easy. I cannot. My heart is filled with sadness not for myself but for him. I feel guilty towards him that I have not treated him well enough when he gave me the chance. Now, he has given me a death penalty. I deserve it. This is the price I have to pay and I have been paying it. Most probably, if he is in heaven in the future, I have to go to hell. With our state like that, how could we ever meet in heaven? The thought of him suffering pains me. Maybe, I have been going through poor health and used to be in and out of the hospitals which is why I may understand how painful, lonely, isolated, worrying or even unbearable it can at times. After all, we are all human with flesh and blood and feelings. One thing for sure is he has got very strong support from his friends, supporters and loved ones other than his faith. He is never lack of people to turn to. That is why I have never understood why he used to mention that he needed hugs and he was lonely in the house as if nobody cared for him. Whenever he is back, he always flocks to them and vice versa. I shouldn't be so silly to get worried and even to offer my help or support. Anyway, what can I do for him as long as I don't screw his life up?
I think I have to learn to live with regrets. I have to force myself to swallow it. There is nothing I can do since he has given me death penalty. I have to continue paying the price for carrying the burdens. Hopefully, it won't turn into complex grief again. Of course, I am not cursing him. But, he will have to go one day. Meanwhile, I am praying for him to have the strength, grace and wisdom to overcome his illness. Since we will never see each other, I think the next time when I see him will be during the funeral wake which is going to hit me real hard. It's going to be a lonely and painful path with no support from church. As usual, have to bottle up everything and try to cope with God. With him still around, I would not expect him to do anything for me since he is too preoccupied with coping with his illness, spending more time with his friends, supporters and loved ones, reaching out to others or even busy with what gifts he wants to give as legacy to his supporters, friends and loved ones. His time is much too precious to even take a glance at me. I am already in his trash bin. I also have got no choice why my heart feels so painful and sad. I can only try as much as I can to hang on to God alone. This Lent is very dark. I cannot see light as of now. The scourges hit me real hard and it is bleeding inside. But, I am trying hard. I still give thanks to God for the every breath that I have. I thank God I can still breathe each day. I am thankful that I am still healthy. I am thankful God blesses me with the friendships and relationships that I have and used to have.
I have gone back to church. I would not think that I would see him there as it is too far away from him. Anyway, he has been seeing his supporters and friends outside my parish. I really need the Eucharist. I am trying to function normally though my body is giving way. My body is useless. When grief and pain hit, my body will react strongly through some weird symptoms to disrupt my life. Good time to go on diet with only one proper meal day so far. Try to eat beyond that my food ends up in the toilet. I don't see him at all. So, my imagination tortures me with how he is suffering. I can't help worrying for him. I can't help it that I care for him though I have FORCED myself not to. I try to keep myself very busy to forget about it. But, I have failed. Strangely, if I go through it with him and see him, it will be better for me as I can see for myself how he really is. I realize that when I went through difficult times with him a few years ago, I felt stronger and my faith stretched to be stronger and deeper. My spiritual writing became richer. I have been missing him as my friend. But, I continued to cut myself off from him. I think God and his supporters, friends and loved ones will forbid me to see him. He, himself, will not want to see me. I continue to let this missing to eat me up inside. Hopefully, I will be healed one day. My ideal picture would be to reconcile with him and we talk to each other over a good meal. As usual, it is my wishful thinking. How would he want to waste his time on me? Would you want to take rubbish back from trash bin to look at it?
A lot is going on beneath me. Let it bleed till it's dry one day. I am still trying to function well. Maybe, should start exercising in the morning. I will go back to the usual place where we used to jog for jogging in the morning tomorrow. I am not sure if he ever visits my blog. I think that place is too far from him. If he intends to go but does not want to see me, he better stay away. I will do whatever makes him happy. As long as he is happy, I am happy.
Bleeding,
Elena
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