Darkest Lent. How long can I go on in my current state?

Each waking hour has become very painful, full of cries. Everything surfaces to my conscious level. Since last Sunday, I survive on one dinner and some drinks. I am trying very hard. I force myself to eat but my stomach is not responding well to the food and drinks I try to sustain myself. I am not suffering from any physical disease. I am suffering from spiritual and emotional disease. I am very stuck. I am lost, confused, helpless, sad, lonely, etc....I am still trying very hard. I cannot be like his other friends and supporters who have support from one another. I am travelling this painful road to nowhere alone. I cannot share with them as they will most probably spread rumours about me or hurt me further. To them, it's like I cannot care for him sincerely but must always have motives and only they are sincerely concerned about him. I really feel like ending it all. I really feel like giving up. Getting out of the house this morning was very tough. My health is going downhill fast. Have been having sleepless nights. I try very hard to sleep but I just can't. Had a long chat with God last night as I was feeling very sick with cold, fever, stomach problem and body ache. I am pleading God to help me. Nobody understands me but Him. He is my only confidante for the past few years. I am trying to hang on. I am trying very hard.

What I can't control is what is within my heart. During every waking hour, my mind is full of his illness. I try to distract myself by watching DVDs yesterday. But, it fails. Tears came back. I am scared. I am sad. I am stuck. For other sickly friends, I am free to visit them. I will feel much better visiting them. For him, I am forbidden. It's like I am always a great sinner who am not worthy to go near him. It's this sense of isolation. I have sent him two emails so far. Obviously, no replies. I just want to reconcile with him before either he or I leave this world as we will never know who will leave next and when. I can't function properly at work. It's all screwed up.

I know I will never see him again and he will never want to see me. I want to care for him but I cannot. I have to swallow everything inside. Other people can care for him directly. Can visit him freely. Can spend their time with him. Why am I forbidden? It's not as if everyone who goes to him does not have motives. Why am I so stupid to care for someone who has forgotten me? Why am I such a moron to care for someone who doesn't care a damn thing about me? My care and existence to him are redundant. Why does his illness affect me so much? What business has that got to do with me? We have not kept in touch for years. Why does it affect me so much then? He has so many people flocking to him to shower him with attention and love. He is coping well, I guess. Who am I to care? Why can't I just mind my own business? If he doesn't want to reconcile with me, what is the big deal? Why am I so affected? Why is he so important to me? I have never asked him to be my lover. I have always regarded him as a dear friend but I just keep it to myself. I have been missing him and wondering how he has been going on. And yet, I have to keep them to myself. During those years I have not contacted him, I only pray for him. I didn't contact him or read anything he wrote online.  I have tried my best staying away from him. I even left the church completely as I have the tendency to bump into him no matter where I went. I even stopped going to the place for jogging. I know that he would come back at times to visit his supporters, friends and loved ones. God knows I have been trying too hard. I have been forcing myself to do those things for the past few years. It has been painful. But, I think it was worthy as he was doing very well overseas and he has a strong network of supporters and friends and loved ones caring for him. He is never lack of support and love and is popular. All I wanted was for him to complete his studies and come back to serve others happily. I just want him to be happy, especially with my disappearance from his life.

The pain cuts deeper and escalates with him having such serious disease. As usual, other people can flock to him and care for him. I have to swallow every feeling and pain. I don't enjoy caring for him indirectly. He ever scolded me for that. He wanted me to care for him directly. Why do things turn out to be so bad between us? If time can reverse, I would choose to care for him directly without caring about the gossips and rumours around us. I cared too much about that instead of his feelings. I feel so guilty for pushing him away many times before. Anyway, we used to care for each other sincerely. He did try to come near me in front of everyone. He did not care how people saw us. I was the person who cared about how people would gossip about us if he came close. I ever asked him to appear in that place where we used to jog if he did not want me to forget him. When he appeared, I ignored him and I was aware he got very upset. I shouldn't have ignored him. When he happened to see me emoing at the staircase as he drove by, he advised me through his big group sharing not to give up. Why did I stop him from caring for me? There is nothing wrong in caring for each other. Our words and actions did not sin at all. Why was I so scared that I kept giving him cold shoulder and harsh to him? I knew that he wanted to go for a lunchtime mass in town before he left for his studies. I tried to stop him. Whenever he left us, I acted cool like I did not care when I care so much. Before he left our parish, he was obviously loitering around me on that night. I chose to ignore. I even scolded him for appearing in places where I appeared. Feelings of liking is not wrong. But, we have never engaged into any sinful activities or words. Why was I so cold and harsh towards him? If I know he is going to get this illness, I would not have treated him that way. It's too late now. I have to live with regrets forever. This is the second time I am having such regrets. The first one was with 'mummy' where it took me eight years to overcome the remorse and I only knew the truth of her not giving up on me and loving me after her death which added more remorse. Why am I such an idiot?

He will never reconcile with me. It's too late. I have to pay the price. I have to swallow everything. I can't even care for him directly. I can't even visit him. I can't even contact him. Whenever he left for some reasons, I simply acted cool and pretended not to care so that he would leave at ease but I felt very painful inside. With his illness, I am not sure when he will be gone forever. I am not even allowed to visit him, see him or contact him. I rather be there for him to go through thick and thin with him regardless of how much change he would go through than running away or being kept away from going through the pain with him. I rather he scolds me, vent his frustration on me, cries with me, slams the door behind me, etc. whenever he is in too much pain as long as he is comfortable. The fact is that I can never hear his voice, see him again. I know God will take good care of him. I am a human with feelings afterall. Yes, I depend on God to take care of him but I really care as a friend. I hope to see how he is getting on. I want to care for him. I want to give him a big hug as a sister. I want to talk to him. I no longer care a damn thing about how people gossip or hurt me as long as God gives me a chance to see him. I know it will never happen. That is the price I have to pay for being harsh, cold and pushing him away many times. The fact that I can't see him makes situation worse for me. I worry more though I know God is taking care of him. I think alot.

I am forcing myself to function normally at work. I am forcing myself to eat.... I am forcing myself to accept the fact that I can never see him. I am forcing myself to accept that we will never reconcile. I am forcing myself to accept that I can never care for him directly. I am forcing myself to accept that we will never ever sit down and eat together. I am forcing myself....I am forcing myself...I am forcing myself....I don't know how long I can continue this way. I am trying very hard to leave him with his friends, loved ones and supporters till he leaves this world. It may be weeks, months or even years. Only God knows how hard I have tried. It affects my studies online. I simply can't focus. This is the price I have to pay. How long? How much? Even with my life? I am trying very hard to keep things under control. Why am I so sensitive? I can't help it that I care alot for him. I don't need to be a lover, a spouse to care. I really care as a person. He has grown through hell with me for years. I have seen how much he has grown and changed. He even went through thick and thin with me before. I treasure those moments. All I want now is to be there for him but I can't.

I am stuck. Nowhere to turn to. No one to turn to. I need a big hug. I am hanging on to the little faith I have. God knows how long I can hang on. I am trying very hard. I am forcing myself.....

With indescribable pain & suffering,
Elena