Finally, I get to start my training for the Safari 6 km Fun Run on last Tuesday. I could only start small as I suffered from insomnia the night before and still recovering from low blood pressure, flu and stomach cramp. I started with an hour of brisk walk. I should say that it was shiok to sweat it all out, especially all my negative moods. Have been feeling very down. My new year has not started right. I am still looking for a job and facing some recurring family problems still lingering like some stubborn stains for more than 20 years. Searching for a job, doing the research before each job interview, completing the tests and getting bombarded by interviewers have drained me quite a fair bit on top of the flu I have been suffering from. I think my final interview of a job that I desire has flunked. I get quite vexed and discouraged as I went there with drowsiness from the flu medicine to suppress my flu. So far, I have managed to establish quite good rapport with the managers. But, I did not fare well in my last interview with the director as I could not think properly and was feeling very weak from the drug effect. I was so weak that I had to drag myself out of bed and to take cab there. Well, I have flunked. What upset me the most is not my failure but some friends or loved ones gloating over my failure, especially those whom I have helped and have never compared myself with. I often wonder what is wrong with me to deserve such insinuation or sarcasm from them. I have tolerated some of them for more than a decade and still have not blown up. Some of their body languages and facial expressions upset me whenever I get a good job as they seem unhappy but I simply act ignorant. Sometimes, I rather wish I am ignorant than being sharp at catching such things. Recently, I have decided to keep a distance away from them as they have been adding more distress to me and I find it meaningless to continue such friendships with them. I have done more than enough for them. I do not crave for any attention, praise or thanks. All I expect is basic respect.
I have posted this question on my Facebook, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ in the last afternoon. It was funny that my friends commented with answers like they would love me and some commented it was misleading. I did some explanation on it. Recently, I have been catching up on my reading with the improvement of my health. I am reading Philosophy Now magazine, Psychology Today magazine, The Harvard Review magazine and one novel which I am still struggling with since I do not really like novels. The sentence strikes me from the Psychology Today magazine, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ I did some reflection on it. This does not apply only in romantic relationships but also applicable to all sorts of relationships, including love of self.
Has it ever occurred to you that people may love us and yet we are the very people who close the doors or even throw the keys away or worse still, seal oneself without any doors or windows? That is because we do not even know how to love ourselves and may not even be aware of our needs. In the magazine, it was mentioned that most divorces happen when the married couples think they are not compatible with each other and start the blaming or finger pointing games and therefore, divorce. However, new discovery is the fault may not lie with the partners most of the time. It may lie with themselves. They may not even be aware of their own needs and cannot meet their needs in the relationship or refuse to have vulnerabilities be expressed through honest heart to heart talk with their spouses. I must admit that it takes a lot of courage to admit and even express the vulnerabilities with the spouses as it involves the risk of hurt and shame. And yet, such intimate sharing can significantly deepen the bond between the married couples. Any relationships can be tough at times. It is all about adjusting self and making sacrifices for each other to make the relationships work based on the changing needs of both parties in every relationship. It is done out of love with fidelity especially through tough times. It also requires a lot of self control not to blow up at the other party and be patient to work things out. In fact, every relationship and friendship requires that.
In order to love others in Christ way, one must learn to appreciate and love oneself as a child of God, even with all the flaws one possesses. If one depends on praises, fame, popularity or any external sources to feel worthy, the person will become narcissistic and focus on self so much that there is no space to love others. This may turn into violence, harsh criticism, etc. if one does not get what he wants. However, if one only focuses on one’s flaws and always feels that he is unworthy and unloved, he will indulge into self pity and incapable of loving others. Worse still, they will keep on putting others down so that they may have the delusional deception that the others may be at the same or lower ‘level’ than them and they feel better though deep down, they know that they are not. Whether the self esteem is too low or high, it will still hurt others as the focus is on self with no space for others. The world revolves around self. How can they experience true love from others since they have kept their doors closed by their own hands? It hurt the people who love them. These people may be subconsciously asking them, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ When feeling lousy or unworthy, you may even look into yourself and ask yourself, ‘Why can’t you let me love you (with all the flaws)?’ You will realize that if you learn to accept yourself with flaws and limits, you will also accept others more readily and less harsh on them when things go wrong.
There is one song which keeps on playing in my mind yesterday. It is none other than the song from the Memoirs of Imperfect Angel titled Angels Cry sung by Mariah Carey. It evokes certain feelings in me towards certain people. I did some reflection on why this song evokes some feelings in me. Some people have the misconception that by cutting some loved ones off before they die, they are doing their loved ones less harm and that their loved ones will not get too upset or burdened when they die. I can tell you from the perspective of one of these loved ones, it is completely so wrong. It complicates my grief in the end. My feelings are exactly how the song has described, ‘True love’s a gift but we let it slip’, ‘I couldn’t prepared myself for this fall shattered in pieces curled on the floor.’ and ‘I shouldn’t have walked away. I would’ve stayed if you say.’ It sounds like a love song but it is not. It applies to any relationships or friendships. When my mummy died 11 years ago, those were my feelings from the song. She cut me off with the loving intention of keeping me away from her so that I would not be too dependent on her and get hurt. And yet, her spouse asked me to go back to the same church at the same time for my Sunday masses to show that I was loyal to the church. To me, it was bullshit. I could still be loyal to God even if I went to other parishes for masses. Why that parish at the same time? I knew he wanted me to be there for my mummy to see me on every alternate Saturday. Yes, I did go back to the same church at the same time on every Saturday as I loved her as my mummy. But, have they ever known how I felt inside with all the feelings and care for her which would never be expressed? Only after her death, I was told she left me with some legacy for my Polytechnic education. It worsened and complicated my grief. I got confused. That hurt me even deeper. I blamed myself for not spending time with her, to make her remaining days happier instead of her looking at me with concern from far. I know I may be an imperfect angel loving her not according to the way she expected and hurting her at times. But, it is better than living in regrets with unexpressed love, unspoken words and unheld hands. Before our 2 years of not speaking to each other right till her death, we would go for masses together. When it came to doxology singing ‘Our Father’, we would hold each other’s hands. Do you know how I felt though it was not within the tradition of the Catholicism that we should hold one another’s hands while singing ‘Our Father’ during Sunday mass? That simple gesture of holding her hand warms me even till now. I felt loved by her by the mere gesture and yet painful as I could feel her bone brittle and seemed hollow signalling that she would not live long. But, I was still willing to hold her hand and not let go even if she scolded me or shouted at me at times. I know she loved me. I also loved her as my mummy. Sacrifices made for her were no longer chores or suffering but expression of love for her that also filled me deep with joy and enriched my life with meaning. When anything done or sacrifice made out of love, it is no longer suffering but as a gift to the recipient which enrich both the giver and the recipient if it is given out of love and received out of gratitude.
I have always liked angels because of their purity and innocence without a tinge of selfishness. Their love is pure. My experience above serves as one of my memoirs as an imperfect angel. Why imperfect? That is because I do love people but I am still prone to sins and selfishness. Sometimes, I may not express my love according to what my loved ones expect. We can be angels to one another and may not be perfect in our expression of love. But the Sacrament of Reconciliation, allows us to admit our faults and go to God for forgiveness and healing again and again. It takes a lot of courage to admit one’s sins at times. But, once, we take the courage to step out and acknowledge our faults and be willing to repent, we open our dark sides for God to enter and heal us so that we can readily fix broken relationships with God and others. It takes a lot of sacrifices and adjustment to be more perfect in loving God and others. We are no saints and still fallible human with our lifetime to improve gradually. Some people end up in divorce choosing to blame their spouses instead of looking into themselves and opening their vulnerabilities to their spouses so that they can deepen their relationships through such intimate sharing. Married life is not just sleeping on the same bed with physical intimacy. It goes beyond the physical aspect and deep down into spiritual realm by opening themselves to each other and entering into each other’s world no matter how dark the worlds may be and connecting both worlds so that the love making is not merely sexual intercourse but a beautiful consummation that connects the two people not just physically but runs deeper into merging two souls into one to bear fruits which are the children. How dark can the worlds be if they build their marriage based on Love and lift it to God for the Love to penetrate the connected dark world with light to heal it? How much you open yourself correlates directly with how deeply you allow your spouse to enter into you and vice versa, and thus, how fruitful and meaningful the intimacy between the both of you will be. It is apt to say No pain, no gain here. When your world and mine connect through sharing be it friendship or any relationships with the risk of getting hurt, it becomes bigger world, expanding the Kingdom of God.
Yes, we may have hurt one another in any relationships or friendships. But, are we willing to expand our hearts and forgive one another so that we allow our worlds to be bigger and more colourful by connecting with the different worlds of others, experiencing God’s love at deeper levels? In this way, we allow ourselves to practise our expression of love to be more perfect angels by loving more and more in Christ way with less and less selfishness. It involves risk of hurt that is worthy to take like how Mariah Carey has sung
‘Here I am
Walkin’ on this narrow rope
Wobbling but won’t let go
Waitin’ for a glimpse of the sun’ glow’’
Of course, I am not saying that if the loved ones refuse to reciprocate, you have to force yourself on them. Just forgive them and lift them up to God through prayers. Maybe, they have issues that hinder them from forgiving and loving and it takes time to sort them out themselves. I am talking about those relationships where the both of you still love each other and treasure each other but due to misunderstanding, your relationships have soured. I do admit that I am a very flawed angel but I am still improving. I do love my loved ones and friends without much expression. I will only do small things like spending time with them, advising them, doing things for them. For those I love dearly, I will buy presents for them, especially angels. Buying gifts to other people may be something small. For me, each time I buy a gift, I will think of the recipients’ current needs and states and I will run through a lot of places for it. I tend to be stingy with money as I do not earn much with family burden. Why do I buy angels for beloved ones? The reason is I may not see them often and may not express my love well. So, I will give them angels to protect and love them. I want to be the angel to love and protect them even if I am not with them. Even after mummy’s death, I did close myself from receiving certain love until the other party complained and got hurt. Like what I have mentioned before, I am bad in handling romantic relationships. It often frustrates the other party as I do not get the meaning of certain messages or body languages.
I do regret after this particular person has left me. Gestures like why the other party looking at me in certain ways was understood by me recently after watching a show. Then I got it that when a man looked at a woman he liked, that would be the expression from his eyes. I finally got it why he did certain silly things after seeing some friends in love doing or watching some shows. Stupid, right? But, it is too late. I have hurt him too much and he has left my life in a faraway place. Some people, no matter how long they have left your life, are always in your heart. They are precious gems. Gems stuck in shit are still gems because we place certain values on them and they are deemed precious to us. These people are the same. No matter how many ugly things you have seen them doing or how much they have hurt you before, you will still treasure them as gems and forgive again and again because you love them. You will even exercise self control not to blow up at them even if they may have embarrassed or shouted at you in front of everyone in the public and patiently grow with them. I am very happy that he has changed alot. I am happy to have grown with him despite all the hell he has put me through. I also grow as a person. He might have abused and hurt me deeply in some ways but he also attempted to be gentle and kind to me in the end. He even attempted to show his care for me as a person. Frankly speaking, I have forgiven him long time ago and still love him even after seeing his ugly side and knowing him well, including his flaws. In fact, I am deeply touched by him even though he has left my life. Sometimes, when I think of what happened between us and his goofy behaviour towards me and him singing love songs when I was around, I would always smile and thank God for bringing him into my life. I enjoyed him waiting for me in some occasions or appearing in front of the door early in the morning or walking or even jogging with me. I do miss him at times and wonder how he is getting on. I do not know how he is getting on at all since I am not in touch with anything and anyone about him. I am pretty sure that he is happier without me in his life and should have forgotten me. He is well loved by many people and has earned good reputation and famous for certain talents. He has no lack of love and support. People flock to care for him and he also enjoys himself with them. I am nothing compared to all that he has. Anyway, it has never mattered to me what I am to him. He is very happy with his life now. So, I let go of him out of love. As long as he is happy, I am happy. That is all I want to see of him. All I can do is to pray for him. This is the only way to love him.
That is all for my sharing. I have sent my nephew and niece off at the airport last afternoon. This is the first time they are travelling overseas to visit their grandparents for Chinese New Year. My niece is having fever now and we are worried. My nephew was crying there. We are quite worried, especially for my niece who has kidney disease. Hope they will be safe and well. I am going to miss them for one week. My house will be quiet without them. Nobody will pester me with ‘Ah Yi! Ah Yi!’ (It means aunt in Cantonese) since my naughty nephew is not here. My niece is damn cute. She is so chubby that we call her ‘Tui Tui’ (It means lump by lump in Cantonese) or pink pig. She will always look very nice in pink. If I add wings to her pink dress, she looks like the chubby angels. So cute! I am going to miss her angelic smile.
Anyway, Happy Chinese New to all of you. May each day of your life be enriched with Love!! Have to sleep now as I need to go jogging in the morning to prepare myself for the 6km Safari Fun Run on 5 February. No matter how lousy or unworthy you may feel you are, always look into the mirror and tell yourself you are still fallible human with limits. Don’t be harsh on yourself or think you are unworthy of anyone’s love. If not, the angels cry. The angels (people who love you) in your life cry. Always ask yourself, ‘Why can’t you let me love you?’ to your injured self within if you begin to be harsh on yourself. Life is short. Enjoy life to the fullest with others so that at the end of your life, there will never be regrets from unexpressed feelings, unspoken words or unheld hands and blame yourself for being a coward.
With Love,
Elena
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