Very tired after two days of Chinese New Year visitation. I am staying at home today to search for a job. I guess my age is catching up. Energy level is quite low. My grandfather is spending his Chinese New Year in the hospital due to a crack on his hip from a fall. Not sure if he needs to go for an operation. I am quite upset over not getting his Ang Bao from him. Why is that so? I think it is a blessing to receive Ang Bao from him as the act of it signifies he is still healthy and I can get blessing from him through the Ang Bao with his presence. I am not used to not getting one from him and I feel upset inside. I have not visited him yet since my mum has not gone to see him. I feel bad that he has to spend such joyous occasion in the hospital alone. I hope he will recover soon. A lot of fights over my grandfather with my relatives. As usual, though they are rich and keep boasting about their wealth, they expect my poor dad to wipe his Medisave out for my grandfather’s stay at the hospital. Even before my grandfather was admitted, he expressed his wish to come to my house for reunion dinner. But, my relatives came together to object against it and were nasty towards my dad. Only when they need him to wipe his Medisave, they became nice to him. My grandfather’s money is also gone somehow. Nobody knows where it has gone to. Then, they dump him to the nursing home. Sigh! What the heck! It’s so ugly. During Chinese New Year eve, I went to Maison Kayser Cafe for my breakfast before buying shoes for myself. I made a new friend there. We chatted for more than an hour. It is nice to talk to strangers and become friends. I like this kind of lifestyle where I can make friends wherever I go without getting involved with any politics. One reason why I left the church is because some people tend to complicate things to cause divisions among the community. I remember joining one group for their gathering. Later on, someone told me some people commented that I joined them just because I wanted to get free food. I got very pissed off. Though I am poor, it does not mean that I have to take advantage of the others and be a free rider. I have never thought of becoming a free rider. I joined them because I enjoyed their presence. Who knows a few calculative ones thought I wanted to take advantage of them? If I had known that earlier, I could have contributed too. Anyway, most of the time, they had leftover food which was why some of them asked me to join them, not to waste the food. I did offer to contribute in the end. But, the main organizers refused my offer. I feel much better out of church as I no longer feel the stress and arrows from these people. My friend told me people in my parish continue their nonsense. I guess all I can do is to pray.
In my previous blog entry, I did mention that I have friends who put me down repeatedly due to their own inferiority complex or brokenness or insecurity. Some other friends asked me why I still continue to help these friends who do not seem to appreciate my help and friendship and that I continue to meet them whenever they need me. I finally explained myself. I help some of them fully aware that if they have completed their tertiary education or get promoted higher than me, they will step on me or even shit on me. Frankly speaking, I am not threatened by their higher social status, education or position in the corporate world than me. My friends found it silly why I still help them.
To me, I believe that God blesses me with talents and gifts to help others to improve on their lives. Yes, I am very unhappy that I can’t get into university due to my financial situation and lack of support, and thus, I am forever stuck at certain position with low pay which ultimately does not allow me to contribute much to my family, resulting in us still in debts. But, it does not mean that I want others to be as stuck as me. I know the angst and bitterness for being trapped in certain conditions for many years. Sometimes, you may even wonder what wrong you have done to be in such entrapment for more than 20 years. You feel like giving up hopes at times. So, as much as I can, whenever these friends come to me, I will still help. I do not need any appreciation or thanks from them. As long as I see some goodness in these people which can in turn help others or contribute to the society in some positive ways, I will help and advise them. I do not get paid for such services. However, I believe God knows my heart even though I am running high risks of being stepped on and insinuated and shit on. It is kinda amazing how God has used me. Even during some casual or special occasions, some of my friends’ family members who seldom talk to me confide in me even their deepest feelings and thoughts and I manage to enlighten them in some ways. Such joy in me can never be bought with money with the smile or relief on their faces at the end of our conversation. Anyway, all my gifts and talents come from God free of charge. It is only right for me to be the ambassador of Christ to use these God given talents and gifts for the good of others for free. There is nothing to be arrogant about.
Some friends even asked me if I am afraid of these friends who shit or step on me surpassing me in many areas after helping them. The answer is No. What is the point of competing? They may be smarter than me, holding on higher positions than me or attaining higher education than me. But, there are always people better than them in various areas. So, when will such competition end? When will I be happy if I keep on competing? Anyway, my worthiness is not measured based on how superior I am compared to them. In God’s eyes, I am always worthy as a child of God. If not, to begin with, He would not have bestowed me with gifts and talents to help His other children. As a human being, I am still prone to sins. At times, I may still get upset over why these friends do not even give me my due respect even if they do not thank me or have been making use of me.
Recently, I have been reading up on Greek mythology characters and watching a drama series on the Goddess of Mercy. I do not believe in those gods and goddesses. I enjoy reading and watching them as my reflective pieces as they have overtones of Christianity covering traits like mercy, kindness, love, compassion, etc. and how self centred behavior and words lead to fights, wars and destruction. My studies tend to be eclectic, broadening my horizon so that I may be in a better position to help others from different backgrounds and cultures. Sometimes, I may even get involved with intellectual discussion on religions and issues about life with friends and colleagues or others wherever I go if opportunities arise. I used to do that even with lecturers in school or leaders in church groups. I am definitely not smart. I am just a Diploma holder with mediocre results. I believe God could have used my mouth for such discussion. We learn alot from one another. Life journey is also a process of lifelong learning from one another to expand and improve on self towards holiness with the others. It is never a solo journey. The only virtual spiritual director I have is Fr Ronheiser through his weekly blog. I used to follow Fr Albert Renkens for two years for his introductory philosophy classes. I really miss him since he has passed on for more than two years. No other priests have spent so much time on the preparation of such intellectual lessons and conducted them beyond their job scopes quietly to encourage us in critical thinking and deeper understanding of our Catholic faith through such studies though some of them may have blogs or give talks once in awhile. I will always keep in mind what Fr Renkens had taught me and put them to good use for the good of others appropriately.
Ok, enough of my sharing. I think I am getting old and bored. Sometimes, I wonder what life is about in Singapore. My cousin is getting married. She told me she has not found a flat as the prices of flats are exorbitant. Things here keep on going up except our pay. I wonder how I am going to survive in the future with my low pay. I think it is better for me not to get married so that I will not be a burden to my spouse and children since I am not rich to help them. I think I am better off dying in the old folks home lonely though I desire to have my own home with the man I love with lovely children. But, with such high living cost and my low pay, I dream on, man! Marriage is just a dream to me. I can never see myself beautiful in wedding gown like other blessed women. I find Singapore seriously boring. I hope to have opportunities to explore the world. If possible, migrate if miracles do happen to me. I yearn to stay overseas since I have always felt out of place in such a small country with a lot of control and monopoly of profitable businesses under one party. I am just sick of it. I can only dream unless I marry a rich guy. Be realistic, rich guys will go for pretty, capable or rich women. Who will be so silly to kill themselves with poor women without much education? The other smart way is to get myself to be a religious nun where the community will support me and I do not have to worry about old age. But, will I have any dignity as a child of God and ever be independent and strong to face reality and be moulded through hardship? I do not respect some people who live off on these rich or influential people who support or sponsor them for their popularity or various projects to promote self by pleasing these rich or influential people and doing what they want instead of doing what is right with God. I am disgusted by such people and why would I still want to end up like that just because I am facing some hardship in life? So, here, I am seeing what I can do to survive in the ever increasing high cost of living country. I believe miracles will happen one day. Meanwhile, I can do my best and leave the rest to God.
Enjoy Chinese New Year with loved ones and friends no matter where you are. Nothing beats happy moments with loved ones and friends for life is fragile and short!! May you continue to enjoy the prosperity in God’s Love for prosperity in Love is much richer than prosperity in wealth!!
With Love,
Elena
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