Just came back from an interview and my KTV session alone. There were several candidates going for the same position. I chatted with one of them whose interview was just before mine. I was very stupid. I wished her good luck for her interview. By wishing her good luck, it would mean she gets the job and I would lose it. Without thinking much, I still wish her good luck. She is definitely more experienced and mature than me from what she has told me and the way she carried herself. I think she may get the job. Never mind. Just another failure. I work harder for the next interview. Most of the time, if I feel the person seems approachable, I will start striking a conversation. I like things to be light hearted and make friends wherever I go. I will be absolutely quiet in a group if I find people all talking at the same time trying to prove themselves to be better than others or they are just acting. For those situations, I will keep absolute silence and watch their ‘performances’ with amusement. If not, normally, I will talk and joke around. This is the true me.
My interview was a joke. There were three interviewers, comprising of two DDs from the Corporate Relations Department which I am applying to get into and a HR personnel. During my interview, we were laughing away. One DD looked very pleasant. Somehow, when I saw her, I felt I have known her somewhere. When she looked at my resume, she ‘fainted’ looking at my frequent change of jobs. She was joking about it, expressing her concern. During this interview, I went against the convention and was very honest with why I left those organizations as most bosses were abusive nasty bosses. There was no way I could excel under them and I was abused to the extent of colleagues urging me to leave the organizations as I was no longer myself. The DDs were quite surprised that my referrals were my RO and colleague from my most recent organization. I explained to them they have encouraged me to leave that place. This pleasant DD used to teach in my school where I took my GCE A Level. We digressed and talked about it abit. I joked about luckily, she did not teach me. The other DD was quite funny. She commented on the nice colour of my clothes. I am not sure how I am going to fare. I was so comfortable with them that I was joking around forgetting that I was in an interview. I think most probably, gone case since they did not find me serious. For this interview, I was honest with what I like or dislike in my job. I really do not appreciate bosses who shout at us in front of every colleague as it would be difficult to work with the colleagues with the possibility of them losing respect for us. I even mentioned that I do not mind bosses shouting at me behind closed doors. The two DDs were surprised when I said that and laughed. They even confessed they would not do that. I have the confidence that I can do the tasks which they have mentioned well since I have done that before and I also learn fast on the job. Anyway, I seem to have established rapport with them and I have promised them I would stay with the organization since it is the field and industry I am interested in and I really want to grow with the organization. I even went further to ask about the staff strength and prospects. Now, I am waiting for their reply since there seem to be many candidates. Hope they will give me the chance to start anew in my career. If not, I am getting depressed. I am very bored and am starting to feel very down. I cannot be inert for too long as I will become down quite fast since my boredom threshold is pretty low.
After the interview, I went to KTV alone. The service crew seemed surprised that I went there alone. I confessed I was in a bad mood and needed to sing my lungs out. By going alone, I am getting myself ready for lonely life. Face it. Most people around me are married or are getting married. They cannot be with me for the rest of my life. Though I yearn to have my own family with my spouse and children, I am fully aware that I cannot rush such matters as they should be blessings from God. I just have to wait patiently for the right man to come into my life and walk with me. If not, it is good for me to start this lonely life now so that I am prepared for my singlehood if it is God’s will. I really enjoyed singing alone by myself. Obviously, my mood was bad as I could not cope with certain feelings within. All my songs were heart breaking songs. I am not sure what is wrong with me. I just know I am trying very hard to do what is right with God by forcing myself to cut off certain relationship. I am taking this chance to cut clean while the person is absent. I even pray for a new relationship to start anew but it seems that it does not happen in that way. I seem to be feeling certain things from that person. Sigh!! How do I cut off?
It is rather disturbing when I sang this song which is translated from a Korean song titled ‘That Man’ by Hyun Bin from the Secret Garden into a Chinese one titled ‘那個男人’ by 楊宗緯. Hopefully, I am wrong this time. I rather be oversensitive than to be accurate in sensing certain matters. It is no fun. It is a great burden. I hate this gift at times as I cannot explain to people certain things and people think that I am mad. I also do not know why this song strikes me and seems to be talking to me, especially the Korean version with English subtitles on Youtube. Maybe, I think too much. I really pray for a new relationship to start anew and cut off all senses towards the person who has chosen to leave my life. I do not mind him leaving my life but it is very disturbing to feel how he is feeling once in awhile. Spare me lah. He has many people flocking towards him showering him with all care and attention. He has no lack of admirers and friends and loved ones. I admit I have been just nothing to him. I just hope to have a new relationship and start a family with the man who loves me and stays by my side through thick and thin if God wills it. I do not cling to hopeless relationships. I hope my senses towards the person will come to an end. He has his own things to do and who the heck will be so stupid to give up popularity and fame and supporters for a plain Jane. He is much better to be where he is in his role without worrying about retirement and basic needs like me. Whether I like it or not, I have to face the reality. Rationally, I have already cut off by not keeping in touch with anything and anyone to do with him. But, my heart is stubborn. My intuition is stubborn. Whether my heart likes it or not, I have to persuade my heart to cut off from the person. By letting go is my way of loving him to respect his decision and let him do what he wants with anyone. I know I will never see him again since I no longer step into places he will most probably appear. As long as I have feelings towards him, I will never step into those places since I am the problem.
Many friends thought that I have never faced relationship problems. I have. It’s just that I keep it under control. Having strong feelings does not mean that I can possess that person. I love him more than like him. Of course, I will dream to be with him, having a family with him and bear fruits in the love nest that we build together. I like him. But, I love him even more by respecting his decision and cutting off from him and letting go even if it is very painful for me or it may hurt him. Nobody in sound mind likes to suffer. Sometimes, love hurt. I do miss the person alot and yet I have to exercise self control not to contact him so that he can do his things with peace and continues with his new life without me in the picture. It is no denial that such missing kills inside. For him, he does not have such issues since he does not like me. I know it is stupid to love someone who does not even appreciate or love me. I know he has forgotten me long time ago. But, can love be calculated or rationalized? I am fully aware that he loves himself much more than me and I have never expected him to make any sacrifices for me or reciprocate right from the beginning. As long as he is happy with joy deep within and finds meaning in life, pain in me is worthy. I am not trying to be noble. I am far from it compared to the saints. I am just confessing what I am feeling. I am doing it alone since I seldom confide in friends on such matters. I have been praying very hard asking God to help me as the feelings and pain are eating me up inside. I do not understand why I still miss that person. Why does my heart still love him? I really cannot figure out what is wrong with me.
So, I sang it all out during KTV session and then, I went to the riverside to stone, venting all my feelings out for healing. I do not know how long it takes to overcome. But, I am trying very hard. All I have is God now. I really hope He can help me cope with it.
Maybe, I yearn for a home. I used to sit on the stairs outside my main church looking at the private houses during peaceful nights. I often wonder when I can be as blessed as them to have my own home. I wonder how it is like to build and decorate a love nest with a spouse. I wonder how it is like to get married and be someone’s spouse. I wonder how it is like to give birth. I wonder how it is like to be a mother. I really like the feeling of seeing my loved one early in the morning when I wake up. His presence is my blessing. He looks so handsome in the morning. His presence simply warms your heart. It is a treasure that cannot be bought. It is a luxury to have appreciative eyes on you. It is love that the person tries to get into your world to find common areas and interests as you and even put his pride aside to come down or up to your level. It is an honor to listen to his feelings, hardship, suffering, unhappiness or even complaints. It is a security and comfort to have someone wait for you. It is a fortune to have someone who comes close to you or want to be near you. It is silent love to have someone watch over you quietly like a shadow. I wonder how it is like to walk with someone intimately for the rest of my life without abandoning me to go elsewhere or die.
Life has to go on. I am trying and trying and trying. I am trying to get used to doing things alone, watching movies alone, jogging alone, singing at KTV alone, coping with problems and issues alone, travelling alone, going through life journey alone. I will still help others as much as I can and contribute to the society regardless of whether I am called to marriage or single life. Meanwhile, as long as the right man as blessed by God does not come along, I will continue my lonely life and try to stay balanced through my work, some friends or recreation and stay out of certain areas to avoid affecting anyone from leading more fulfilling life. I am trying and the pain entailed is worthy for a better life of my loved one....
The Lonely Woman Who Is Trying Hard,
Elena
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