Have been very stressed out. So, I had decided to go for a jog at the stadium yesterday. A lot of things went through my mind. Quite upset. Have just received the news that my niece has been diagnosed with a rare kidney disease. My whole family is affected. The baby is very pretty and cute. I can't imagine the pain that she will be going through. Nobody is more affected than my sister and brother-in-law. I can't help much. All I can do is to pray and see what I can do to help. I really hope that miracle will happen and she will be healed. Even if not, I believe God will see her through it. No matter what, no words can express how sad I feel about this whole news especially whenever I see her innocent and pretty face with two dimples. Sometimes, I even ask God why such things must happen to her. Well, it is not about why, it is about what we can do to learn from it as a lesson in life and how we can best love one another in Love while we are in this world. I also got told off by my deputy director on last Thursday before I went off for my MC. She did not even find out what happened and accused me of defending myself since I have the habit of keeping things to myself. Ultimately, after explaining things to her when she probed deeper into it, she understood why I said certain things. After the jog yesterday morning, I did feel much better after perspiring all the toxic of unhappiness and stress. Though lonely, I thank God for me to spend time alone with Him.
Many friends thought that I have never liked any men in my life. I seldom touched on my own romanitic matters with most people. When I advised some of them to get out of certain relationships which may lead to misery and hurt to themselves and others, they always bombard me with I will never understand how they feel as I have never fallen in love. How do they know? I do not share does not mean I have never fallen in love. I appear cold does not mean that I do not have feelings. I do not show my sadness does not mean that I do not feel hurt. I am a human being just like anyone else. I may be rational but I am not cold blooded. I am not gentle does not mean that I do not love. On last Thursday, I happened to see the person I love. He was in the car at the traffic light near my workplace when I happened to cross the road to go back home to see a doctor as I was sick. He should have seen me but he pretended not to see me. If you were me, how would you feel seeing such response from your loved one after being told off by your deputy director? I did not just see him on last Thursday. I seem to bump into him from time to time. I have cut myself off from him and yet I still have feelings for him. I have told God I had accepted that we have gone on our separate ways and yet I still see him from time to time. I am not sure what God wants this time. Maybe, God wants me to see for myself the cold response from this person I love and wants my feelings for him tp die totally. Maybe, God wants us to reconcile as friends. Maybe, God wants him to face certain issues and himself and be honest with himself and others. I am not sure. At least, on my part, I have been honest to God and him. I leave the decision to him. From his pretence of not knowing me on last Thursday, I guess he wants to have a clean break with me. I hope this is really what he wants and is called forth by God and not escapism. If it is not called forth by God, it will only lead to misery for both him and me. I really hope he will be honest with me and himself. Truth may be hard. But, I rather face the truth. Well, as long as he is happy, I am happy.
I am not being noble by cutting my relationship with this man whom I really love. I have been cold to him for his own good. It does not mean that I feel good being cold towards him. My mentality is the world does not revolve around me. It is not a matter of whether I like him or not. I believe that if I love him, I should let God guide me and leave this man to make the choice. Relationship takes two hands to clap. I have never believed in forcing anyone into relationships with me. So what if I win him over and possess him? He is not an abject for me to possess. How about his heart? I always believe the treasure is where the heart is. If his heart is not even with me, what is the point of forcing the both of us into relationship, causing more misery to him and myself? He is a man with his own will to choose. Even God does not force us to love Him. Actually, towards this man, I have loved him to the extent of being confident and willing to spend the rest of my life with him. I have suffered hell from him before. But, somehow, I am willing to spend the rest of my life with him if it is God's will and he is willing to. I have left the choice to him. Ultimately, I am fine with being his spouse, friend, brother or even go on our separate ways. I did enjoy myself with him around. Well, I think only God knows what is the best for the both of us. Both of us love God. Let God be our guidance.
Yes, I still miss him. I still have feelings for him. I feel like looking for him to see him at times. He is always on my mind. I often wonder how he is getting on. But, at the same time, I believe marriage is blessed by God. All relationships are blessed by God. God is our Creator. Only He knows us through and through and how we can best love one another in Love. If I love this man, I should let God be the light. If this man is not my future spouse, no matter how hard or painful it is to let go, I have to let go out of my love for this man and myself in God. I always believe that God will bless me with the right one. Yes, letting go is tough. And yet, it is essential when called forth so that both of us are set free to love others and allow the right ones to be our spouses for the Kingdom of God to continue to expand. If the person is meant for me, I believe God will give him the courage and love to express his feelings for me and marry me. If not, I will take it as he does not love me enough for such expression. It just means that we are not meant for each other. Yes, truth can be hard but it opens up other doors for others to enter into our lives. How many of us have the luxury of having our first loves to be our spouses? Imagine if we choose to stubbornly get stuck to the first loves and refuse to open up doors to welcome others into our lives, how many people can get married with the right ones meant for us by God?
I am not getting any younger. Age is catching up. I also hope to be like most of my friends, setting up family with my spouse and children. I also hope to have a home of my own with my spouse. But, such things can never be forced. Maybe, I am better off being single. Only God knows. Sometimes, I do not understand why some people get divorced so easily. Have they forgtten the marriage vows that they have taken? Or do they see marriage as a game where they could leave as and when they like? Have they forgotten how they have made the efforts to plan and set up their homes with details together out of Love? Isn't it a form of romance to build their nests out of Love? Why give up so easily? Nobody knows what happens next. Never take anyone for granted. Even healthy people were reported to collapse and die instantly. What does that tell us? Not to take for granted that those people in our lives are always there. Life is fragile. For all you know, the person sleeping beside you may be gone the next day.
I used to discern to see if religious life is for me or not with the Daugthers of St Paul. I did not get in there to avoid any issues. I went for such discernment because God has been blessing me with a lot of love and kindess through many people and I would like to see if it is God's will for me to share His Love and such blessings through religious life. In fact, when discerning, I realized that I would not have to worry about retirement, basic living, further studies while reaching out to people through media and vow of celibacy to get fully into evangelization as the Church would provide me with all these things. I knew I had the intellect to get into that order. As I discerned deeper, I knew religious life was not for me. In fact, I see that I will be more corrupted and may have got in with the wrong intention. Being a religious sister, I may need to get sponsors for certain projects. I know I may become manipulative by mingling with rich people and do what they please to get what I want even though I may be reaching out to others in mission. I do not see how much I can grow by such double lives. I do see that in some people and I know I have the high potential to be one of them. So, I stopped the discernment with the Daugthers of St Paul. Life outside is very tough as I am travelling alone. But, I know God will bless me with the resources and people along the way to help me to grow and love more and more like the image of God. I am still open to all vocations. Only God knows which path is the best for me to share His Love with the others and live life to the fullest.
I still love this man whom I saw on last Thursday. I think he is leading his life happily to the fullest. I may feel right and secure and happy with him around but only God knows if he is right for me. I am happy enough that he was in my life to bring a lot of happiness, security, laughter, comfort, etc. to my life. I also want him to be happy. As long as he is happy, I am happy. If he is for me, God will bring him to me. If not, God will bring the right person to me. If I am called to be single, I will live life to the fullest and see how I can contribute to the others. So, never take for granted that all people are called to marriage. It is a blessing to walk through life journey together in marriage. I have always dreamt to travel around the world. If you ask me and are given a choice, I will give up my dream of travelling around the world alone to travel with a spouse in our life journey together. It is never easy to live together as everyone is unique. It takes a lot of courage and love to live and travel together as one. It only takes a few minutes to say the marrigae vow but a lifetime to practise it. I am willing to dive to into such adventure with my whole life with faith. I am still waiting for my spouse to take me with him. Meanwhile, I will continue to live life to the fullest. I will continue to wait........
With Love,
Elena
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