Have just come back from my outing with my little girl and managed to sit down to spend my time with God through my reflection here. Basically, the purpose of this blog is meant to be my time spent with God through reflection. I do not expect anyone to read my blog entries as I am not any well known priest or religious sister or prestigous spiritual writer but a simple person with low educational level capable of sins. Well, if God leads anyone to this blog, I hope that he/she will be blessed in some ways through my writing. If not, every blog entry is my gift to God.
For the past two months, things have been hectic for me working and searching for jobs and preparing for interviews and tests in the midst of my current job. Things moved even faster, especially for the past week when things happened like whirlwind with the celebration of the birthday of my nephew who is also my godson, the death of a relative, handing over and coaching new staff who would be taking over my job at my current workplace, signing of appointment letter and pre-employment checkup for my new job, catching up with friends whom I have not met for a long time, etc. I simply have got no time for any other things. I was basically feeling very drained and all over the place until my immune system gave way when I started clearing leave on last Wednesday. I wanted to have a good rest. Who knows I fell sick with bad flu followed by bad stomach problems and pain resulting in poor sleeping quality? Sigh! Still on medication till now. May have to visit doctor.
God is damn smart. My sickness is a signal from Him that I am moving too fast without resting. It is also an indication that I need to slow down and spend more time with Him. Most of the time, I need to be forced to slow down by being sick. I did a bit of reflection during my resting from my sickness. Though things around me were moving fast and I felt very drained, He has never left me. He cared for me through my colleagues and friends. I am very touched and thankful that these people are blessings from God to me. I was feeling very drained and down as I was put down and insulted by some interviewers due to my low educational level with only a Diploma. I felt like giving up up at times. In the midst of instability, I found stability through the Love of God from these colleagues and friends. They encouraged me to keep me going. My reporting officer was very supportive towards my search for jobs especially through special arrangement of taking leave for interviews and advice on my job search and encouragement to keep me going. I also thank my colleagues for giving me advice and encouraged and cheered me up when I could not walk further. I was very touched when these colleagues bothered to nag at me and pointed out my mistakes and advised me not to repeat them at my new job. The tone of their voices touched me deep within as I could feel the care and concern. They even bothered to spend time and effort to have a farewell lunch with me though they were very busy in their work. After the farewell lunch which perked me up on the same day, I managed to defeat the other strong candidate with a lot of laughter with the interviewers during the final interview and was selected for the new job. If my pre-employment checkup clears, I will start work on next Monday. This means a new start for me in my career path. In fact, the HR personnel told me my new boss is waiting for me to start work. I am looking forward to this new start with excitement. I am really thankful for that farewell lunch from these colleagues of mine who see me as a friend and tried their best to give me the confidence and encourgement to fight this battle for my final interview.
What I have learnt is that things may be changing around me in the world, my emotions may be unstable, people's hearts may change from time to time. One thing will never change is God's Love. This unchanging and undying Love is shown through fidelity, especially after Christ had even conquered death by being obedient to God through death with undying love. Such Love can never destroyed by death. God never leaves me, just like how my colleagues and friends never leave me. Another clear example is a husband who truly loves his wife will show his true love to his wife through his fidelity towards her though as a human, at times, he may have the danger of being tempted by other attractive women who may flirt with him or use underhand means to have affairs with him. Due to his true love for his wife, he will never fall into such trap and will go back to his wife and be there for her no matter what. His wife in his heart can never be replaced by any other women as he knows the woman waiting for him at home is God's gift as a part of him. If he appreciates her as part of him, how can he bear to abandon this part of him? For us, as children of God, we may be tempted to sin from time to time, as long as we truly love God, we will go back to God again and again and be truly repentant. He ia always there with such undying fidelity. He will never change. Only we change. Through the baptism, we respond to God's Love with love as children of God and are parts of Him. Our faith is gift from God to us so that we may continue to be in love with Love through fidelity, especially in times of temptation and difficulties. Such fidelity allows me to hang on to Him and never let go so that I will always have hope in life. All instability in this world will never defeat me for I have this Stability (God) in me. I become a stronger person in life.
Of course, such fidelity does not happen overnight. In any relationships, the bond has to be strengthened gradually through activities together, consistent communication with each other, interest in the life of each other, being there for each other, etc. No relationships can survive without communication or being present to each other at all as described in 'Out of sight, out of mind'. The relationship will die like withered plants not being taken care of at all. Of course, where there is true love in relationships, absence will only make the hearts grow fonder. Then, the people involved will make the efforts and time for each other no matter how busy they are since they are in each other's heart. This is also true in my relationship with God. I admit that I spend less time with God nowadays because of my hectic schedule. Whenever I do not maintain stable relationship with God, I become unstable. I get frustrated and feel down easily. Things around me affect me more easily and I lose focus on God. My relationships with people may be affected. My discernment towards things and people become clouded. My mood may swing. I may no longer feel God's presence and doubt if God loves me. That is because my focus has been shifted from God who is Stable to things or people who are unstable or ever-changing.
I must learn from Jesus. His love for God is never-changing. His fidelity towards God out of Love can never be described with words, especially in the midst of his suffering and humiliation at all levels at the Calvary. This gives me the hope that if Jesus, as a man, could do it, all of us have the potential to be more and more like the image of God as long as we have the faith and stay faithful to God, especially in times of suffering and temptation. Nothing is impossible with God. One thing I have never agreed is God is good all the time. To me, God is never to be confined within time at all. God is Love and in Love, Goodness. This Goodness is not referring to good in the midst of good and bad. Rather, it refers to Perfection, Wholeness. This Wholeness can be seen from Jesus' love to God and God's Love to Jesus where the Holy Spirit works freely in this intense perfect Love between the Son and the Father where it is known as the Holy Trinity. My role as a child of God is to continue this love by loving God and opening myself in receiving God's Love for the Holy Spirit to work freely in me for me to love others and others to love me. Of course, I am not like Jesus who is an unblemished lamb. I sin from time to time. That is why I need to have fidelity for my love to God by going back to Him again and again with repentance through the Sacrament of Reconciliation and Eucharistic celebration. I need to make conscious efforts and decision to spend time with God so that my relationship with Him will improve over time. As my relationship with Him is stronger, my faith will also keep going stronger so that even if things and people are unstable around me, I will still be stable with God as the centre of my life.
Well, I admit that I am guilty of not making such effiorts and time as I tend to drift off very easily. That will only mean that I need to re-prioritize my life and put God back to the centre with consicous efforts and spend more time with God. And, this period of Advent is a reminder to me to slow down and set my focus right on God so that in the midst of instability around me, I still stand stable with God as my centre in life.
With Love,
Elena
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