Who am I?

Have been partying for the past few days. Abit deprived of sleep though I did catch up with my sleep as much as I can. Well, it is worthy as my bond with my loved ones and friends is much stronger through such time together. Ok, shall quiet down until the New Year Eve when I start partying again with a group of friends at Sentosa. Now, time for me to tone down for the next hour and spend quiet time with God through my reflection in this blog entry. We are coming towards the end of the year. I will always reflect on what has happened within this year. No matter what has been happening, it all boils down to 'Who am I?' Notice that 'I' is the only pronoun which is in capital letter no matter where I place it in a sentence. What does it imply to me? This 'I' is not referring to me as a human being who is the small 'i'. Rather, it refers to the 'I' who is God in me. This is alluded to Matthew 16:15 where Jesus said to his disciples, "But who do you say that I am?" with the implication of Godly Being within it.

All of us play different roles in our lives. I may play the roles as a spouse, employee, volunteer serving in church, a daughter, etc. at different times. Every role that I play is called by God for me to be responsible for sharing God's Love with the others, be they my children, colleagues, fellow brothers and sisters serving in the same ministry, my spouse. I have to take ownship of the roles I am called to play. It is not just about myself but these roles are played in relation to the others. It is just like Jesus who may mean differently to everyone of us, such as a Messiah, Master, Saviour, Friend, Brother, etc. Sometimes, his relationship with us changes during different stages of my life. He may be a Saviour to me when I am saved from a hopeless situation and he may be Messiah when I am reflecting on God's Word, etc. No matter what, the focus should be the 'I' in me. It is this Being of 'I' who will never change in me no matter how my roles change at different times. For Jesus, no matter where he was, what he was doing, his focus was always on God who is 'I'.

All of us have our worth no matter how lowly or unworthy I may see myself to be in God. The small 'i' that is me is nothing if I don't have God as the big 'I'. I can only do my best in my best roles as guided by God. Sometimes, I may impose my own will on the others, thinking that my way is the right way when it may not be God's way. Sometimes, I may try to play my role very well and yet I seem to fail. For instance, I may have done my best as a mother trying to educate and nurture my child to do good and yet my child leads astray. During such time, forcing the child to do what I think is right may backfire as the child may become more rebellious and behave even worse. That is when prayer must come in. No matter what I do or which role I play, prayer must always come first. Firstly, through regular prayers, I acknowledge that there is God who is higher than me. It is His will that all of us should obey. I keep my focus right on God so that I will not force my will on the others while I humble myself before Him through prayers. Secondly, I do not depend on my own strength but on God's. I build my faith up over time through prayers by surrendering situations and the people up to Him. I trust that He will intervene and do what is best within the situations. If I am part of this intervention, the Holy Spirit in me will guide me what to do and say accroding to God's time. Sometimes, it may just mean that for certain situations, I may not be the suitable person to be involved in certain cases according to God's will but my prayers are needed. I should never feel lousy even if things don't go my way. If I have done my best and yet things do not turn out well, it may just mean that it may not be God's way even with good intention.

Even a child who is vulnerable can be of use to certain situations just with their presence. For example, my two year old nephew brings a lot of joy to us. During our Christmas celebration on last Saturday, his laughter and act of kissing and hugging us brought a lot of laughter to all of us in the midst of the gloomy situation when certain bad news hit us just before Christmas. Even a child who is without any skills or education could bring such joy to us. I experienced the love of Christ through my nephew. Also, the presence of my relatives gathering in my house helped to lift the spirit of everyone without doing anything big. It is just as simple as their presence in my home which brought such joy and love to my home. We had a joyous celebration full of Love. So, nobody is useless and unworthy. Even a rubbish can be recycled for use. How about us as children of God who are created by Him out of Love? Sometimes, we may fail in our roles and feel lousy. But, we must never let it judge our worth. Our worth is in God. It is common to fail at times as long as we learn something out of it so that we will try our best not to repeat them and improve every time, becoming more and more like the image of God. If God expects us to be perfect, then what is Sacrament of Reconciliation for? Then, why did Jesus even bother to die for us? The best thing in the world is free and that is Love. Love is not earned but a gift from God. If it needs to be earned, I should say that only the rich and the influential people are qualified as children of God. Then, Jesus should be living in a palace made of gold and enjoy a luxurious life to be served. But he did not. He was born in a poor and unhygenic environment meant for animals. He served with a lot of misunderstanding and persecutin from the others instead of being served. Even when he died, he was crowned with thorns and humiliated at all levels stripped naked. This implies Love is meant for all, whether rich or poor, healthy or sick, weak or strong, influential or oppressed.

Personally, I have achieved quite abit for this tough year. I did manage to place some procedures in my ex-organization, winning the praise and trust of my reporting officers. I did manage to put a stop to all the nonsense that a difficult colleague had been creating for everyone in the office and implement some office rules within it with the help of the director. Through the process, I was wronged by some people and went through tough times from some colleagues. However, because of it, I become much closer to God and start my each working day with prayers and meditation on God's word. Without starting my working days with prayers and His Word, I could not have survived such difficult and harsh working environment from some difficult colleagues. Also ended up in emergency ward because of caffeine for me to stay alert on the job which I was very bad in but it led to the discovery of misdiagnosis of a rare disorder which was diagnosed twelve years ago. I can start anew now without this disorder. Well, I am quite inactive in church ministry this year. All my energy and time have been taken up by friends, family and my previous job where there was a serious mismatch of my ability and interest with my jobscope. Maybe, also God's will for me to break away from church matters for awhile due to certain reasons. I thank God that my friends are going on well, my bond with family is much stronger and I have started anew in a new job. Now, I have to spend some quiet time to seek God's direction as to where I should serve next year. Most of the time during next year may be taken by my job as my new job is at higher level, demanding and expecting alot more from me. I plan to start my undergraduate studies by July next year,. See where God is leading me to though I have certain plans in mind.

No matter what my roles are in life, I must keep in mind that they are part of God's will for me in relation to the others. It is never about my own achievement and myself. It is how I share God's Love with the others through the different roles I am called to play. Even if I fail at times, I must never feel unworthy for I am God's child. There is always this big 'I' (God) in the small 'i' (me). All I have to do is to be humble and learn from my mistakes so that I will improve. I must also keep in mind that I may not be the person to do something in certain situations when only prayers are needed from me.

If a rubbish can be recycled for use, God will never create me as His child to be even worse than rubbish for He is Love and will have his 'creative' ways of using me as a Creator. So, next time, if you feel bad about yourself or feel worthless, just look at shit and tell yourself if the shit can be used as fertilizer for the growth of plants, how about me? I definitely can never be worse than shit because I am a child of God created out of Love as a part of Him. It is also a good closure to this year with thanksgiving to God. If not for God, I would not have survived those tough times. I thank God for giving me tough times to help me to grow and  strengthen me and bless me for everything and everyone in my life for all of them are gifts from Him to me.  I love you, Father. Thank you very much for being my Father who never abandons me and always loves me no matter what!!

With Love,
Elena