I am elated to receive a good news from HDB that I have got
a queue number for me to select a 2-room flat. My queue number is in the middle
of the queue. I may not get my desired flat. I will just leave it to God since
He knows my desire and what is the best for me.
Anyway, I have got no control over which units will be left for me to
select from. Such news may not be a big deal to some people. It is definitely a
turning point in my life. I have not been feeling comfortable staying under
someone else’s roof though he does not mind me staying there. Since I am still
single, this flat is going to be my only asset and home for my retirement. I do not earn much and I do not forsee I can
climb up the corporate ladder at all since I am not a graduate. I have to
scrimp and save the little pay that I am getting each month. I have got nobody
and nothing to fall back on since I do not come from a rich family. I always
believe that I can complain about my unhappiness at times. What happen next? Do
I still continue to lament over my misfortune? Does it improve on the situation
or resolve any issues? So, I have been looking for ways to improve on my
situation. This is my 3rd time balloting for a BTO flat. I should
say that I am very blessed to get a number out of the 2,941 applicants. I
believe God is answering my prayer.
Of course, I hope to be like every woman to have a spouse to
love me and set up a family with me.
But, such things can never be forced. It must be a calling from God and
not every woman is suitable for marriage. Frankly speaking, I have never
actively looked out for a potential partner. If it is meant to be, it will
come. If it is not, no matter how I force it to be, it will only slip away like
sand through the fingers. I know some people are laughing I am an old maid and
I must be abnormal in some ways that nobody wants me. I do not care a damn
thing about such comments. I am a very practical person. According to worldly
standards, I know I am deemed as ugly, stupid and difficult, coming from a poor
family. I can’t even pass my own high standards. I ever put this comment on my
Facebook page. I am very grateful that one of my colleagues asked me if I was
ok out of concern the next day. The truth is that I am not upset over it and
have accepted how the world judges me. That is why you will never see me
putting on makeup at work or even going out with friends, not even in front of
some guys I like. I only put on lip gloss when there are special occasions out
of respect for the people involved. Personally, I tell myself if a man can ever
love and accept the difficult me, he must be a generous man with a big heart. But
such man is nonexistent. I know very well that I am deemed as inferior compared
to most women out there. Some of my friends are kind enough to remind me that. I
know both my strengths and limitations well. So, no need for such reminder.
If you ask me whether I will go for plastic surgery, the
answer is a definite no. I believe there must be reasons why God gives me such
appearance. Imagine if I have an angelic look with a hot devil body, how am I
going to roam around freely? I don’t like attention. To me, attention is
overwhelming. I see my appearance as part of the whole package of God’s
creation of me. Only under one circumstance will I go for plastic surgery. That
is when I am disfigured. I always see
plastic surgery is necessary only in that situation. Since I am in my mid 30s,
I have to live life as if I am going to be single for the rest of my life. I am
too old to be attached. It is a fact that at my age, my skin is wrinkled and it
won’t be long before menopause set in. I would not sit there dreaming of
charming prince to come for my hands or becoming a celebrity or model. I am too
late for those teenage dreams. Anyway, I am very aware that no rich or good
looking guys will ever set their eyes on people like me since there are many
more attractive and capable women out there. It’s just like doing business. If
you can afford better items and it is not wrong to pursue better things in life
as long as it doesn’t turn into obsession, why not? I have to face this reality
since young. I constantly keep myself away from men of high calibre. This is
how the world works and I have to accept it. Instead of dreaming or lamenting,
I have to work harder than others since I don’t have the angelic look and hot
body to be a model or celebrity or even to be in a better position to go up the
corporate ladder nor the brain to excel in any fields nor the wealth to start
any business or further studies. However, I will never allow anyone to exploit
or abuse me in any ways just because they think that they are better than me in
any ways. I simply do not agree with the notion that that pretty people deserve
to be arrogant and look down on people whom they deem more inferior than them.
This is bull shit. I wonder whoever agrees with this notion, what kinds of
children they are going to groom into.
I believe Robin Williams’ death has shocked the world. Eversince
Robin Williams’ death, many things have been running in my mind. If wealth and
fame can buy happiness, why did he choose a path of no return? He is definitely
well liked. Why such tragic end? Even as we progress in this fast paced modern
world, are we getting poorer instead, not materially but spiritually? How many
people are suffering from such poverty especially in the silence of the night
alone? If our society is progressing so fast, does it mean our quality of life
also improves? Are we getting more and more disconnected from people though we
may have them around us? Do we really get to know one another sincerely as who
they are or just the public images of one another? Are we really connected with
one another or just touching one another’s surface? Was Robin Williams facing
this chronic disconnection from self and others and loneliness most of the time
despite his popularity? Was he trying too hard to keep up with his public image
that his real self was dying away? From time to time, I will ask myself this
question. Am I happier with my higher pay as compared to the me ten years ago?
Surprisingly, not. I feel poorer though I am better off materially and can even
afford to go US for holidays at the beginning of this year. Recently, I did
share with my boss. I simply cannot fit into this world. I really do not know
how to live in the world where appearance, fame and wealth are much emphasized.
I am sorry that I simply can’t.
My colleague shared his experience in Tacloban with us on
last Thursday. He was there for some projects. The state of Tacloban is still
bad despite the fact that Typhoon Haiyan destroyed the area 10 months ago. The
people there are still trying to build their homes. My colleague shared with us
that the children there are too traumatized by the typhoon. Some are quite
paralyzed by it till now. A picture speaks a thousand words. I see photography
as a way of touching a person’s soul. It’s a soulful connection between people
that goes across the borders without physical hindrance. When I saw the
photographs of the place taken by my colleague and some other people there,
they touched my heart deep within. I also marveled at how a poor 14 year old
girl without good education like us could take such heart touching photographs.
I wonder how many children have fallen through the cracks in terms of being
nurtured and groomed. It is rather sad that some of them claimed that they had no
dreams since they were trying to survive in such rut. I believe if they receive
the same education as us in Singapore, some of them may fare better than us. It
dawns on me how blessed I am to have a queue number to own a flat as compared
to them using whatever materials out of the wreckage to build shelters over
their heads. The living condition is really bad. It broke my heart when I saw
this unspoken sadness of a girl from a photograph. He eyes told it all about the
misery lurking underneath her surface. It’s tough for these children to go
through such harshness of nature and overcome such trauma.
From some of the photographs, we could see how creative
these children could be in using rubbish as their toys. One boy used a fridge
as his ‘boat’ at the sea. Others were playing with the stilts happily until the
stilts collapsed. They were having fun
despite their bleak situation. I realized happiness can be as simple as that if
I learn to appreciate every little thing around me. It teaches me what happiness
out of simplicity is. Some of them managed to come together through a programme
and shared their experience through photography. Such gathering was powerful for
these children to realize that they were not alone in this situation. As they
went around taking some photographs, they could see for themselves others might
be worse off than them. In this way, it expanded them to go beyond their own
little worlds to see how others were suffering as well. Rather than turning
inwards to focus or magnify their own suffering, they had the opportunities to
go outwards to connect with the others. Their little worlds connected with one
another for community support and much needed connection so that they would no
longer be lonely in facing such trauma but to be all in it together. It’s alluded to one chopstick could be broken
easily while 10 chopsticks put together make them hard to break as one bundle.
I am thankful for the sharing from my colleague to remind me
of counting my own blessings despite the daily shit I am facing. At least, I
can dream to have my own flat. These children can’t even dream but to try to
survive the trauma as their priority. God has blessed me with resources that I
can use creatively for the good of others and for me to grow to be more
complete with the others in God. Face it. Resources are always limited no
matter how rich I may be to meet unlimited wants as learnt in economics. It
depends on how creative I am in managing these resources. Instead of lamenting
over what I do not have, I rather spend time and energy to see how I can
improve on my situation and to be a blessing to the others who are worse off
than me in any ways. At least, I am still better off than the children from
Talcoban. As of now, I shall wait for my selection date for my BTO flat and
continue to roam as a wanderlust.
With Love,
Elena
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