Let go and let God

After an escape into the Singapore Art Fair, time to sit down in the café with my laptop putting my thoughts from my busy racing mind to words through my blog. Nice ambience here with the Christmas music playing in the background. I really need this quiet time to myself. When you see me writing blog posts, that means my mind is too packed and I need an outlet to express. It is fine for me with no readers visiting my blog. It is not intended to publicize myself but for me to write them to God. I tend to have problems telling people my thoughts even at work as my mind is racing too fast for my mouth to articulate those words. The words become disjointed and I may seem not knowing what I want to say to my frustration even when I know very clearly what I want to say most of the time. So, I stammer at times.

The week has been crazy and emotionally draining.  Quite upset to see what has been happening to the people around me. I am aware that they have done their best.  I hope they will not blame themselves if things do not turn out to be positive.  I really appreciate what they have done. I am also not sure how I am going to survive with $0 savings and pay for outstanding bills if I were to go suddenly. I guess there are people who need to stay on more than me. I cannot be so self centered as to just to consider about my own survival. I just have to trust that God will provide if I were asked to go suddenly.  It really stretches my faith further just to trust with no logic of how. It is time to practise let go and let God.

I am very grateful for the various people who share their problems and lives with me. Because of that, I learn a lot from their experiences. I have to keep most things that they have shared confidential most of the time. That is the part when I learn to keep my mouth shut and lift all that they have shared to God. Somehow, when looking at my life, I can’t help it but feel that I am leading a religious life. I don’t get much family support throughout my life. I have been getting blessings from individuals outside my family. It’s akin to religious sisters getting support from the community. I am also not married like them. No matter which organizations I work in, I am always called to move on.

Throughout my career, I have learnt a lot about letting go and letting God. So far, it works. I am just an administrative staff and yet over the years, many unusual situations force me to step beyond my role. I had to take over the managerial role when my managers left the organizations less than my 3 months into my jobs. If not, I got insulted with the creative ideas that I had come up with only to be stolen by my bosses to use them and get credit. There was a period of time when I was handling the department alone with the 10^th anniversary activities and gala dinner at the same time for five months only to be deprived of bonus which even the laziest employee got. She gave me a false appraisal just because I went against her on one occasion to fight for the vendors’ rights due to her unreasonable demand. I did not regret my action as I thought everyone was earning a living and why we should make life so difficult for these poor drivers who were rushing around. For certain organizations, I had to set certain administrative systems in place to prepare them for higher level and my successors enjoyed the fruits of my work. Some of my successors even did less than what I did in the same positions. I also got to see for myself how ruthless people can be in the corporate world right from my first job.  

I guess all these work experiences have taught me to let go and let God. If I were to keep calculating why my fruits were always enjoyed by the others and who I do not get the benefits and pay I deserve, I would have landed in IMH long time ago. I would have given up my faith long time ago as it is ‘unfair’ to me.  Rather than blaming other people and circumstances, I will seek to change my mentality though tough at times. Of course, I will see how much nonsense I should take before people keep abusing me. I am a child of God.  Being low in position, does not mean that I should be treated like shit. I am also open about my poverty and low education. I do not think that just because I am born into a poor family without much exposure to higher education will mean that I am less worthy as a person. In the office, I will respect people even if they are cleaners. I cannot imagine myself as a cleaner as I am a cleanliness freak. I can’t even sweep a floor well with more dirt lying around in the end. Therefore, I respect people who take up the jobs, whether forced by circumstances or not. We cannot deny that they play a part in the organization. Imagine without them, how the toilets will look like, how much virus and dust your carpets and furniture will collect. I always believe that everyone’s contribution keeps the organizations going and growing and yes, even from the cleaners.

Very funny thing that I realize is somehow I do not know why some of my bosses or leaders, even the nasty ones, will confide in me. Even when I was in school, I would engage with some teachers in some intellectual talks about their lives. Maybe, I question a lot. I remember vividly about this particular boss who pushed all the blame on me in front of my big boss, made my whole year there a hell and went all out to get rid of me. On my last day of work, we talked and she confided in me on certain issues she was facing. I gave her some advice and asked her to take care. On my last day there, my supervisor asked me on my view of my team and the direction. I just shared my thoughts with her. True enough. It happened exactly what I had shared with her. This is one part in my career which I am still not sure why. Nevertheless, it helps me to understand these people of higher levels better.   My life is richer through their sharing. In church, I used to share my thoughts and ideas with a leader as he/she would run out of ideas at times for his/her weekly blog post entry. He/She has good command of English which I do not have.  He/She would write my ideas with his/her powerful language in his/her blog. The comments from the readers were positive.  I know nobody will ever know the ideas were from me and he/she merely edit them. To me, as long as people benefit from them, it does not matter whether I get the credit for it or not. Anyway, God is the Originator of those ideas. It is only right to share them with His children through my sharing with the leader and his/her command of language in his/her blog.I was told that this leader did listen to my advice of carrying out certain tasks in a different way which the people deemed with more love. That is my reward to see people benefiting from it though people will see that leader as the good person while I am still in the dark.

How do I see my constant moving on from organization to organization, place to place, church to church? When reflecting on my life so far, that seems to be a norm, be it in school or career or church, The only consistency in my life is inconsistency. Once certain tasks I am called to do are completed or people whom I have helped move on in better states, I am ‘forced’ to move on. I remember I went for an interview for my current job. I had problems explaining to my boss why I kept moving on. I was very blessed that she believed in what I said and gave me a chance to work with her. Most employers thought that I was unstable and kept leaving my jobs after one to two years. The issue is I was forced to move on due to reasons outside my control such as organization restructuring. No matter how nasty my bosses can be, I will always do my jobs well and hand over properly before I leave the organizations. I value professionalism the most at work. It’s an insult to me when bosses asked me not to deliberately leave mess behind and produce sloppy jobs. Hello, I am still paid to do my jobs till the last day of my work. There is a transaction of organization paying me for my service. I am not a kid to leave mess behind.

During this period of time, I am stressed out. I am not sure of my income, prospects, future, etc. I have to keep it to myself and learn to let go and let God since everyone else is stressful and in low morale. I know I will be in debts once I am asked to go immediately. I have got nothing to fall back on. Anyway, this is not my first time facing such issues. Where there is will, there is a way. When looking at the big picture, some people need to stay on more than me. Meanwhile, I will just step up and do what is needed to help. I know it is stupid that I still step up not knowing my destiny. But, I guess this is not the time to be calculative. Personally, if all of us were to be calculative in the teams, be it in church, family or workplace, things will get increasingly difficult even for ourselves in the long run. If the head of the family, church or department is not doing well, all of us will not do well. It is alluded to our own body. If my toe is infected though a very small part of the whole body, the whole body will suffer in pain.  To me, if I know what I want which the current place cannot offer and I want to be calculative about working strictly within my job scope, I will move on. No point causing myself misery and drag the whole group into deep shit. I know with my position, I cannot do much to change the situation. I am trying to make people feel better with little things such as joking around, buying things for them, listening to them, spending time with them, reminding them of certain things when they are too tied up, etc.

What do I do for myself? I have no budget to travel this year even though I really need to have a short getaway. I will stay in Singapore and look for affordable activities. I don’t really have friends nowadays and keep to myself most of my time. I will just spend time with family at times. I still need my ‘me’ time for mind clearing and reflection. Just met a person who saw the Singapore Art Fair bag on the desk while I was writing this blog post. Interestingly, we covered topics like agape love, art and life. I feel very easy sharing with people on topics without much commitment in relationships or friendships. Hope that I can travel around the world and exchange views on various topics with strangers. I do miss my days in New York where I got to know some friends. That was the only time when I was myself roaming around freely.  Now, my situation is reminding me to let go and let God, depending totally on faith without much logic of how. Just pray for receptivity and sensitivity to the Holy Spirit to guide me. I recently listened to a CD lent to me by my friend. I will end my blog entry here with the message that strikes me the most. Faith is not a collection of stories. Faith should come before the miracles. I guess that means not live by sight but by faith through letting go and letting God. 

With Love,

Elena