It has been months since I last penned down my thoughts. Time flies fast. Guess where I am now. I am writing this blog post from the airport. Normally, from Fridays to Sunday,mornings I will not be sleeping at night. I am either watching videos with my family till morning or out with friends outside overnight. Many things have been happening over the few months which keep me real busy.
I am very happy that my efforts for my two courses paid off. My online Social Psychology course earned me at least 80%. For my Professional Certificate PR course, I was the top student for my cohort. Funny thing was I was top out of the eight students. So, nothing to be proud of. The only thing which made me happy about being top in my class was my company's name was mentioned during my graduation ceremony. At least, I have not let my boss who sent me for the course down. My colleagues and she congratulated me for doing the company proud. Other than that, I do not think much about it. The other thing is I am happy that the whole class pass, including my classmate whom I helped during the course. I was very happy to see her graduate. When looking back, I am not sure how I had survived that three months with my hair dropping and my doctor urging me to drop one of my courses. I also do not know how I had coped with two intensive courses on top of my peak period at work. This would not have been possible if not for the Lord who has been with me.
I also realize that certain people, once missed, can never get back. During my peak period of juggling work and two courses, I knew this guy from my organization. He was very cute. He is definitely younger than me with bright future. Not bad looking but shorter than me. I also do not know what he saw in me as he had a very pretty woman with him daily. They were sticking together like Siamese twins. He made my work life interesting. I respect him for respecting my space. At first, I did not notice him as he would always be very quiet. I seldom heard him talking in my office. We bumped into each other many times daily. No matter where I went, I would always see him. I did not think much about it since we worked in the same organization until he came close to me when I was doing something. But, I was uncomfortable as he came too close. He was sensitive enough to give me some space the next time he stood near me.
He was very cute. He seemed to know when I appeared at the pantry. In fact, I deliberately changed my routine to see if he would change his. He did that. There was one occasion when I was hiding in a corner sorting items out with my vendor. Nobody would go to that corner. My vendor and I were chatting away as we sorted out the items. We were talking about him. He suddenly appeared behind me with a mask as he was sick. I jumped up and exclaimed in Mandarin that he scared me to death.That silly guy laughed at me and went through the back door into the auditorium. Then, he went out through the front door. The auditorium was empty at that time. I wondered why he sneaked quietly behind us and went into an empty auditorium, did nothing and walked out of it.
He really freaked me out one day. I waited for him to go off from office first as I knew he would go off around that time daily. As I was going to be late for class, I had to leave the office. That guy also left. When the office lift door opened, he was right in front of me. He saw me. I did not think much. I was literally jogging along my way to the station which was 5 mins' walk away. I finally got into the train. I was shocked to see him squeezing through the crowd from a quite empty carriage to where I was which was really crowded. He finally stood in front of me. I freaked out and walked away before he could talk to me. I was so stupid not to realize that he was following me. Nowadays, when I am travelling in the train, I can still recall how he stood right in front of me with his silly expression. How I wish I can see him in the train.
He seemed to know where I went at what time. There was one occasion when he was in the pantry. I passed by the pantry to go to the restroom and saw him there from the corner of my eye. I pretended not to know he was there as I did not want to gain his attention and got between that pretty woman and him. After my visit to the restroom, I passed by the pantry to get back to my office. That silly guy suddenly appeared outside the pantry with a cup. I got shocked and he smiled sheepishly upon seeing my expression. Sigh! Is it funny? I find him cute in a way that I would never expect a professional to be so playful.
I was very silly. I am not sure if he was purposely leaving his job contract at the common area where I would be every morning or he was just careless. I would not think he was careless since the nature of his profession would not allow him to be careless to leave contracts around. As I was sorting my papers, I saw a document. I saw his name and a company's name. As I respected his privacy, I did not read the details and put it aside. For a period of time, he kept getting my attention. I admit that I was jealous when he was close to this woman. As I place professionalism above everything else at work, I worked in the pantry at times to avoid seeing them together. But, he would appear in the pantry too. Sometimes, I pretended not to see him. He would talk loudly over the phone as if to announce his presence. At times, he would talk loudly to his friend. Sometimes, I would look up as my eyes were tired. I saw him and he would be looking at me when we were alone. He also imitated what I did in the office. I like to snack in the late afternoon. Then, he had that habit. I would share food with my colleagues and he followed suit. Normally, I would talk quite loudly. There was one occasion he was suddenly loud as he was normally soft spoken. When I asked my colleague to go for lunch, he suddenly asked his friend loudly to go for lunch. Sometimes, he would wait in the place where I would be passing by. I think he was a pretty shy person. He would keep pressing on his phone whenever I went near him. When I looked at him, he looked down. When I looked away and happened to turn to him, he was looking at me. I found him funny. Sometimes, his silly behaviour brought smile to my face.
After my holidays from US, I realized that his name tag was gone. I did not find out if he had left the organization and did not know where he went. Ultimately, truth was revealed to me that he had left the country to migrate to another country as my colleague happened to talk about him. He went to my colleague and revealed quite much details about himself and whereabouts. My colleague shared with us. I regretted. I am always slow in such matters of heart. In US, I realized that I liked him as my mind was full of him. But, everything is too late. When he was around, I avoided him despite his many attempts of getting close to me. Besides, I was thinking since he had got this very pretty and smart woman with him, I should back off. I took it as they were together as a couple. I don't want people to come to me to tell me to dream on to want to be with a guy with such high calibre and who I was to want to compete with this woman of high calibre for this guy. It never came to my mind that he was choosing me over her as my colleague told me after he had left. If not, he would not have bothered to do so many things over the months.
I wonder how he is getting on now. Sometimes, when I go to the gym, I do see a guy who resembles him. I know that guy is not him. I do miss the time when we kept bumping into each other. So far, he is the only guy who is sensitive to my feelings and space. When he knew I was scared, he would give me appropriate space. He paid attention to my daily routine. He wanted to get my attention and yet careful about how he approached me. Through him, God is telling me some guys in the past might have thought that I wanted to stoop myself down to be with the superior them and they insulted me. The truth is I was not even thinking of getting them to like me. Their narcissistic thoughts led them to derive that every woman wants to be with them. I am a very practical person. If I want something, I work hard to buy them. I have never thought of marrying any rich men. One of my friends did ask me not to dream of marrying rich men. I was shocked to hear that as such thought had never come to my mind. I just continue to work hard to get what I want. I don't believe in marrying rich men and depend on them forever. Anyway, rich men will marry women with equal status. I don't like to waste time on such wishful thoughts. I don't now what he saw in me and kept approaching me. I am open about my background and also purposely let him know that I am not of equal status as him. He knew that I do not come from rich family and have no degree. He also saw my temper and yet he still chose to approach me for many months.
I should say that this guy was of much superior than the guys I have known so far. He is younger than me, quite good looking with good figure though shorter than me and is definitely smart. Besides, he was considerate. He was a surprise from God to me. And yet, I was the idiot who rejected him many times. He was very patient with me for many months until the last day when it was my last working day of last year before my New York holidays. He ignored me totally. That was the last day I saw him. I was idiotic not to read that document which was lying around that common area. It was his job contract for his next job. How I knew it was my colleague revealed where he is working now. It is exactly the company name I saw on the contract. I was stupid not to get the hints.
Why do I name him banana? It is because of his banana walnut bread which brought us to the pantry. His birthday is three to four days later than mine. I owe him an apology. I have been feeling guilty about running away from in the train. I have thought of apologizing to him but I just cannot open my mouth. My friends and colleagues asked me to contact him through Facebook. But, I think I am intruding his privacy by doing that. That is why I have never had any action till now. If it is God's will for us to meet, let him make the first move. I know he is very introverted and private. I respect his space and privacy. I see his Facebook but never contact him till now. If it is God's will for us to meet, he will make the first move. I will not run away again. If not, I will just leave it as that. I still miss him but I respect his space. I don't think liking him gives me any reasons to disrupt his life and intrude his privacy. I hope he is doing well in his new job. If he has a girlfriend now, I will give him my blessing. I do keep him in my prayers. I thank God for sending him into my life during those months. Through him, I know I am loved.
Treasure everyone in your life. For my case, I have missed it as I considered too many things. Only after he had left, I regret why I thought so much. If he didn't mind knowing my background, why I cared so much and lost him. I guess I did not love myself enough to accept him. He was too good to be true. The fact was there was nothing wrong with being his friend. Why did I choose to think that he might be like other narcissistic guys I knew who hurt me? The fact that he was not. He was even considerate and made a lot of efforts to make me comfortable with him. I hurt him and yet he still kept trying approaching me in different ways so as not to scare me. He has touched me though he will never know now that he has left. From this experience, I learn that if I don't love myself enough, no matter how many of such good guys are right in front of me, I will still miss it. I have to love myself so that I will love the one who is meant for me by God when the time comes....
With Love,
Elena
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