Life has been hectic for me, especially my work. As my position is newly created, jobscope is still in the process of being defined. I am a blur sotong. My line of reporting is different from other officers within the same division. I oonly made clear my line of reportingafter working here for 3 weeks plus. Some colleagues have some misunderstanding towards me, even my boss as I do not often open my mouth to clarify the doubt unless I find it absolutely necessary to do so. Nevertheless, I am still coping well. But, when it comes to health, it is not really positive. I was hit very badly three times by migraine within two weeks after not being hit as badly for many years. I am still continuously being delegated with more roles. Not sure if I can do it as I am also required to do some jobs which are meant for university graduates. With my educational level, I am not sure if I can do it. So, I have to work doubly hard. More meetings and training coming. During my weekends, I am so tired that I have to catch up with my sleep. Other than sleeping, I will be an usual couch potato in front of the TVB Cantonese shows from Hong Kong which is very 'auntie' of me to have such hobby. While watching them, my mind will always be very busy with all the themes and lessons from the shows keeping on playing in my mind.
So far, my life is as simple as this without much social life after parties during Christmas and New Year celebration. But, I am still feeling very fulfilled and happy with such simple life. I spend most of my time with my family, especially my nephew who is also my godson. He is very cute. He is the reason why I stay at home often nowadays. I remember I was reading my working document yesterday. He was leaning against, accompanying me to read the document. He is only two years old. He simply imitated me in reading my document. Then, he suddenly stared at me with a cheeky expression. I looked at him and he smiled at me. It brought laughter to me. I always like to carry him once I reach home. There was one occasion when I carried him to view the flat opposite. He suddenly turned to me and looked at me with an innocent look. I burst into laughter at his cute expression. Though simple acts from him, these simple acts never fail to bring smile to my face and cheer me up no matter how unhappy I am outside.
I have learnt that love is never meant to be calculated. It does not matter whether an act or word is big or small. It is never meant to be calculated. During last week, there was a disabled on a wheelchair trying to board on a bus I was in. He tried to board on the bus outdside NEX at Serangoon. Out of so many people, I noticed this Bangladeshi man who kept on looking out for this disabled if he needed help. He made sure that the bus captain helped the disabled to board on the bus as the bangladeshi was not sure how to help him. His body language was showing he was near them to help if needed. After the disabled alighted at one of the bus stops at Lorong Ah Soo, the Bangladeshi also alighted at the same bus stop and stood there to see if the disabled needed any help though the bus captain helped him down. The Bangladeshi went his way after he had made sure that the disabled got down safely. This simple body language which showed his care brought smile to my face.
Anyone is capable of love, whether educated or not, poor or rich, disabled or not, regardless jobs. Nobody is incapable or unworthy of love. Even a smile to a person can brighten up his day. It does not mean that only when someone does something big like Mother Theresa who spent her whole life taking care of the poor and sickly people or some martyrs who died for their faith, then he is the light to someone's life. If everyone were do small little things to love or care, the society will be more beautiful and warmer, be it just a simple act of smile or giving up seats to people who really need the seats. Taking MRT train daily to workplace and back home in my previous job was a torture and stress to me. Those were the times when I got to see the ugly side of many people. Some pretended to sleep in the trains so that they did not have to give up their seats, some saw some pregnant women and still rushed to get the seats before, some simply ignored these people who really needed the seats, some scolded us like barbarians when some of us accidentally bumped into them while they formed a small circle which took up a lot of space to talk in a train sardine packed, some men even tried to get close to take advantage of some women, etc. The daily travel to work and back home by the trains simply pissed me off and drained my energy daily. During some occasions, I simply could not take it and told some commuters off for not giving up seats to some pregnant women or women who were carrying young children. They apologized to me. What was the point of apologizing to me? I did not need the apology. All I expected was for those people to give up their seats to those people who really needed the seats. Action speaks louder than words. If everyone were to be considerate and caring, everyone's life will be happier.
However, I should say that I did bump into some considerate people. There were a few occasions when I was sick and the trains were poor ventilated which I could not breathe properly and my face went pale. Some people gave up their seats to me though I rejected. There was one funny occasion when I closed my eyes to rest. When I opened my eyes, I saw a few pregnant women standing in front of me. I offered the seat to the one nearest to me. She refused to sit down. The others who looked at me also refused my seats. I was thinking to myself that even pregnant women had to give up their seats to me. So pai seh (embarassing)! Those were the moments when I was really grateful towards these considerate people.
It's not about how many times I give up my seats to others and how many times they give up their seats to me. In relationships, it is not about how much I have given and how much I have received. It is not about whether my status matches with yours to be friends or married couples. It is not about how manay times I have forgiven you and how many more times I have to do so. Sometimes, I do think that some people romanticize love too much. For instance, if a person is sick, he will give up his lover to someone whom he thinks will give her happiness. My questions are: How does he know that his lover is better off with a leath person? Has he ever even discussed with her? Why is he deciding for her? Is he God? Is it even God;s will for him to do that? Is God really so powerless that they can never experience love togther in God? If that is the cae, the commandment should have stated if anyone were to be sick, he loves by giving up his spouse or lover to the others who are healthy. I would suggest it would help us to gain insight into what is love about between lovers and spouses in the vows made within the Holy Matrimony. I ever spoke to a person who wanted to be a priest. He told me I would never undestand how tough it was to be a priest, how much sacrifice was needed to be a priest. To me, sorry to say that, what makes him think that married couples do not have to make much sacrifice? What makes him think that being single staying in such fast and modern world is easy? Every vocation entails its own risks, difficulties and sacrifice. Talk to some elderly in the aged homes. They can share with you their sufferings and sacrifices as married or single people. Some priests live even better off than them.
When love is given to others, never ever complain or measure. If not, might as well not give because ultimately by complaining or measuring, Love is belittled. By calculating or measuring, it becomes transaction where I give you this thing expecting something from you. It is no longer unconditional love as I have set certain conditions to it. Jesus had given so much and yet, have you ever heard him complaing, 'Do you know how tough it is to be the Son of Man?', 'I have sacrificed and died for you, what have you done for me?', 'Do you know how much I have sacrificed? How much have you sacrificed for me to show me that you love me?', etc. He had never asked such questions. He never whined or complained. He did not measure love how much he loved and how much he received as he was suffering at the Calvary. He simply gave up his life out of Love. His love was never calculative or measured.
How do we, as Christians, make a difference to other people's lives? It can be just as simple as a smile to a person to brighten someone's day up. It can be as simple as giving up seats to people who need them. It can be as simple as spending time with family members. It can be as simple as offering comforting words to friends who are in distress. It can also be as simple as just being present without the need to say or do anything to people who feel lonely in facing their illnesses or issues. It can be as simple as saying 'I love you' once in a while to the spouse or helping out with housechores. Sometimes, I may not know what to do. If I am close to God, the Holy Spirit will guide me on how to love the others in my behaviour or words at the right time in the right place or whether only prayers are needed from me without approaching some people according to God. The only conscious effort from me is to be open to God's will for the Holy Spirit to work freely in me and have the courage to do or say what the Holy Spirit has guided me in doing so to the people I am called to approach to share God's love.
When love is given, it must be given freely just like how God has loved me unconditionally. If I complain why I never receive as much or measure it, I will never be truly joyful in sharing Love with others. I will never get to experience deep joy of sharing this Love as I am busy calculating the give and take and get myself very miserable or upset if I never receive as much. I am very blessed to have met a few people in my life that they love me without calculating if they receive as much. One person is my deceased 'mummy'. I had hurt her so deeply and made her so angry that I had affected her health until her blood pressure rose during one occasion. And yet, she forgave me again and again. I was a very rebellious schoolgirl at that time. Because of her relentless love and care, she managed to melt my hardened heart and I even got a Singa Award where I was nominated as the most courteous student for helping the unfortunate ones. I always think that I did not deserve the trophy. It should go to her. If not for her, I would not have won the prize and I may not be in this world enjoying what I have today. She led me to the Catholic faith as her rare quality of being forgiving again and again and sincere towards others drew me there in the midst of politics and pretension around me. She shone in her sufferings. I will never forget the message she conveyed to a person who told me, 'She wants you to be happy. But, she does not know how to.' Those words touch me even till now. It does not matter whether she knew how to make me happy. I am happy enough that she made the efforts. She was always there for me helping me when needed and yet gave me the room to grow and make my choice, and make mistakes and learn from them. She helped me to start anew many times through her forgiveness and patience. I failed many times and yet she kept on giving me chances. No matter how deeply I had hurt her even to the point when it affected her health, she never abandoned me even till her death. She even made some plans for me through her husband after she had gone. How much more can I complain? No words could ever express my gratitude and appreciation inside. I have learnt that love is never meant to be calculated. It does not have any formulas like Mathermatics.
Nobody knows who will leave this world next. It is precisely such uncertainty that I should treasure every moment of my life with the people and live as if each day is my last day. Imagine if I can predict exactly when I am dying, I may start to make calculative moves and plans and will never open myself freely to God for God to give me surprises or work wonders in my life. I may play God to decide to do what I want though it may not be God's will. I may push some people away thinking that it is for their own good that they should leave me before they are hurt by my departure. In such cases, I will never get to experience miracles from God and love with others as I have played God to decide what have to be done for them and myself. I may even torture my loved ones with my so called good for them decisions. I will never enjoy each moment as I may be busy planning and calculating what to do with the little time I have.
Love is never Mathematics to be calculated nor to be understood with rational mind with limited capacity of human mind. God is Love. Whether I experience this Love to the fullest is up to me if I dare to open up and have the courage to love and receive love with a generous heart even if it hurts or not. Sometimes, it is good that it hurts as this shows that I am still a human made of flesh and blood, capable of love. I am not a robot. I know I still love. The worst state is not pain from the hurt but numbness where the person just lives like a walking zombie closing himself to the wonders of life. What a pity to have such hell on earth when a paradise on earth is possible with life live to the fullest open to adventure to grow and love! The decision ultimately falls in my hands.
With Love,
Elena
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