Most of us know that with the faith of a mustard seed, God can perform miracles in life and Love can move mountains. All of us, as children of God, know in our heads that we are blessed with this faith with our baptism. We may even preach or write or evangelize very well on it or even on Christian living or spiritual life or God. We may be very well versed in the theories and knowledge. It is a good start. At least, it is a stepping stone with such awareness and knowledge. What is next? Do we just preach, teach, write or evangelize on all these spiritual topics or God or knowledge without applying them in our lives? Do our actions, words and behaviour towards others live out such faith? Or do we portray our holiness through such knowledge and theories through writing, evangelizing, preaching or teaching but live like monsters hurting and backstabbing others? Yes, I may appear holy through my knowledge, teaching, writing or preaching. But, is that really holiness in life if I do evil or hurt others behind people, thinking that nobody knows? It is just like walking two steps towards holiness through sharing the knowledge and Love of God through teaching, writing, preaching or teaching and yet moving three steps backwards away from holiness through the evil acts and words of hurting, backstabbing or killing others at the same time. Then, when can I ever be closer to God?
I am going through very tough time now. In terms of career, I am searching for a job where I can use my talents and gifts and yet I am hindered by my educational level. I am stuck at the administrative jobs which I am really bad in no matter how hard I have tried. Sometimes, I even have to be insulted by some interviewers. In church, I am dying from the gossips, backstabbing and other issues from some people when one person is enough to make my life a hell. Sometimes, I wonder where God is. I have been feeling very hurt and down and even thinking of leaving the church totally until I went for the mass this morning. The mass spoke to me about faith today. And, I understand such difficult times are tools for me to exercise my faith where I still trust in God without signs. These difficult times are the times when I have to learn to live by faith but not by signs. I can say that I have quite good knowledge of God and some theories where I have positive feedback from some people that my sharing is profound and has impact on them at certain levels. I am always very happy as I have put my knowledge to good use for the good of others. Is that enough to be a light to others, bringing hope to others and drawing others and myself closer to God?
However, it is really difficult to live out such faith. I really feel like giving up. I feel very tortured for years on certain issues which some people simply refuse to let me off. It also teaches me not to judge people based on their appearances and it sharpens my awareness and helps me to be wiser. Through some ministries I am involved with, I have learnt that some people may appear to be holy but they may behave like monsters behind the others while some people who may behave not up to standards of others are truer in caring for others. What does this teach me? It teaches me not to have discrimination against anyone. Everyone is capable of holiness as all of us are created like the image of God.
This is where practice makes Perfect comes to my mind. Look at certain characters from the bible such as the sinful woman who washed Jesus’ feet with her hair, the tax collector who was willing to pay back fourfold for the wrong he had done, Peter who denied Jesus three times and became the rock of the church, Paul who persecuted the church at first and became the strong evangelizer, etc. They shared the common traits of being sinful and yet they put their faith into practice by making conscious efforts in repenting with their free will. They turned to God in the end. They might have sinned from time to time and yet they continued to put their faith into practice by making conscious efforts to turn to God with their sins and improved gradually with the trust in God.
What I learn is church politics may be more serious and cruel than the ones in the corporate world, especially when it is much more disgusting for the people and priests in church to abuse their power , hurt and attack other people, cause divisions within the community to get closer to some corrupted priests, inappropriate use of church funds, chase people who have wronged or hurt us in certain ways out of the church or ministries, etc. since church is God’s holy ground. I am guilty of such harsh judgement when it comes to such church politics. By judging, I am also no better from them. Instead of judging, I should put what Jesus had taught into practice. I should be more understanding that people and priests are still human beings with fallen nature. Not only do people need forgiveness from God and people, priests also need forgiveness from God and people. I always believe in correcting people out of Love in private. Only if that fails, appropriate people who can help the person with problems will come into the picture in private. Does it do the person with issues or problems any good by gossiping, getting more people to ostracize him/her, complaining him/her to Archbishop or priests, especially when he is a priest who may have made mistakes and may need time to change or improve, shouting or abusing him/her in the public, circulating emails to defame him/her, etc. What kind of practice is that? Had Jesus ever done that to any sinners? Is there any Love expressed for the fellow brothers and sisters who may need help? If the church turns them away, where can they go? Jesus is here not for the healthy only but for the sick for only the sick needs physician. If, we, as brothers and sisters in Christ do not practise such love and mercy towards others, how do others see us as light of Christ? What is the difference between being children of God and those without the faith? If others without the faith see us as monsters, aren’t we become the evil ambassadors of God?
All of us are sinning from time to time. As long as we are truly repentant and turn to God for help and put conscious efforts in practising Christian living, we can change gradually and loving others more and more in Christ way with true transformation within from God’s Love. There is no need to be so harsh on ourselves and others who have done wrong. As long as we live, as children of God, we are given such opportunities from God for us to keep going back to Him through the Sacrament of Reconciliation and continue to make conscious efforts in practising our faith and Christian living so that we become more and more like the image of God who is Perfect. Practice makes Perfect does not mean I will be completely perfect by myself. Rather, practice makes Perfect , means that I am walking closer and closer towards holiness as part of the body of Christ with the others in faith as the other parts of the body of Christ with Christ as the head in the Perfect God. It is never practised by me without others as God is Love where I am called to love God and people which is clearly stated in the first two commandments which are to love God and love thy neighbours as thyself.
I must constantly spend more time with God and His word so that I can love more and more in Christ way instead of dealing with people in my own ways where I think I am holy and right which may turn out to be self-righteousness and imposing my own will on others which may not be God’s will, causing hurts and divisions in the community. I am playing God, placing myself above God. It is essential to practise my faith continuing with the mass in my daily living after being sent off from each Eucharistic celebration owning the responsibility for my actions and words and behaviour as I may never know how much damage or hurt I have done to the others if I were to be irresponsible and self-righteous or self centered. Worse still, I may never know how broken the other person is already inside and I may push him/her to the edge with him/her ending his/her life here with what I have done or said as the last stroke among his/her other issues.
I really hope that things will improve in the bad situations. I may not be the person to handle them but I can lift them up to God through my prayers, having the faith that God will take care of everything. Sometimes, such prayers with faith are also practice of faith, trusting that all things are in God’s hands as I may not be the right person to handle or do anything to such situations according to God’s will. Only when I am called by the Holy Spirit to do something about them, then I will do it according to God’s will wit the guidance of the Holy Spirit out of Love. No matter what, I must always keep in mind that God is Love and Love only builds or creates life but never destroys life where the person will be brought closer to God and people and never away from God and people. Only then, I can confidently say that I know God through the practice of living my baptismal vows to love and not just knowing about God where I only have knowledge of Him and Christian living without living it out.
With Love,
Elena
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