Happy Easter to all of you! May you continue to carry this glimmer of hope within you through your life through the resurrection of Jesus Christ who had died for us out of Love and conquered death in glory! What else can be greater than such victory that Jesus has won for us? How do I spend my 40 days in my desert during the Lent period? My focus was more on finding and accepting myself as who I am despite ridicule, difficulties through the desert. It is not easy. Sometimes, I really feel like falling back into the vicious cycle as it is the easiest way out. What do I mean by that?
I treasure friendship alot. Most of the time, when I am criticized or insulted in any ways by friends or loved ones, I choose not to confront them directly, unlike my professional self where I tend to be assertive and tough. I have endured some negative remarks from some of my friends for a decade, some for two years, etc. Recently, I guess I have decided I have to raise this issue with some of my closer friends as it is time for them to grow up to be more tactful since their communication seems to be affecting their relationships with others and even professionally. I have been constantly reminded of my flaws such as my nose is flat, my legs are fat, my figure looks like a man, my teeth are crooked, etc. Yes, they are facts and I have accepted them. But, it does not mean that I enjoy such comments from time to time. What can I do to them? If you ask me if I will ever go for plastic surgery, I would give a definite ‘No’ unless I am disfigured. To me, plastic surgery is meant for people who are disfigured in some ways through accidents or from any deformity or diseases. If I go for certain correction, it would be for my teeth as my tooth brush has problem reaching certain parts of my teeth causing dental problems.
I know that I am not pretty according to worldly standards. Even I tend I fail in terms of physical attraction since I am also well known for high standard towards beauty. It does not matter. The fact that God creates me and I still exist shows that God sees beauty in me in some ways which most people fail to see. Yes, when I was younger, I did have people asking me to be a model, air stewardess because of my height and what they claimed my nice long legs. There was even a joke that when some of my friends saw my primary school photo, they commented,’ What happen to you now?’ meaning that why I look so different now (uglier lah) as I used to be very fair with big eyes. So what? Friends who know me well know that I do not go for limelight and I do not like to show off. To me, there is nothing to show off. The fact is that I will age and my appearance will change. Why should I focus so much on something which I have got no control over and fret over it? But, nobody likes to be constantly put down with such flaws repeatedly, especially by close friends. I believe close friends do not keep on giving such negative remarks which tear me down instead of trying to correct me or helping me to improve. During this period of Lent, I was pretty straightforward towards close friends who once again repeated such words to put me down. I think it is time for them to learn to be more tactful so that their relationships with the others will also improve and for me to be more assertive in my social life.
I am still searching for a job now. It seems that there is this glimmer of light shining as one Japanese MNC seems to be interested in hiring me. Since the MNC has already arranged for interviews with a few more candidates in this coming week, I have to wait for their reply till the end of this coming week. This MNC was recommended by a recruitment agency. This MNC has called the agency to check how interested I was in this position and this agency has come back to me that the interviewer is quite positive about me. The place of work is in Jurong East, really far away from where I stay. But, I am really interested in this position as it is something I am looking for in the department of Corporate Communication. After going through the organization website and interview, their values seem to gel with mine. My agency is also requesting for quite a decent pay for me. Now, it is up to the hiring personnel’s decision. Anyway, I have another interview with a statutory board for a marketing position on this Tuesday. I am looking forward to it. I should say that for many times, I have thought of just getting back into any administrative job just for the income and getting into the vicious cycle of hating my job, hating my life, doing something which I am really bad in, like what I have doing in my career for the past 7 years. Somehow, the advice given by my previous reporting officer keeps on ringing in my mind, ‘If you continue to do what you are really bad in and try to be who you are not, it will keep on coming back to haunt you just like how it has haunted my friend until she found a job she could do.’ So, here I am, I continue to press on and send countless resumes for the jobs which I know I can do well as advised by my previous reporting officers from my previous organizations. It is easier and more tempting to get back into vicious cycle of just getting any administrative jobs which I suck at doing and quitting my job again after one year after being rejected by organizations or no response from the organizations for the application of the positions for the past 4 months. It is easy to give up waiting for the job I can do as who I am. But, who will suffer? Nobody else but me. It is really not easy to truly acknowledge I am not good in certain things like paperwork in my case and to look for something which I know I can do. It really takes a lot of patience and faith as I can get rather despondent as times. Sometimes, some interviewers would further put me down. I really hope to see miracle in my career.
The recruitment agency which recommended me the position in the Japanese MNC made some comments on me when she first saw me before my interview with the MNC. She asked me to put on a smile as I looked strong. She felt I was a strong character. When she talked to me over the phone to fix a date for our interview, she could feel I was a strong character and she was interested to see me. I explained to her my concern instead of keeping quiet. I explained to her I did not smile when seeing her at first as I almost fell twice on my way up to her office. Besides, I was quite tensed up as I only had less than two hours to go for the interview with the MNC after ours and I needed to find out where the MNC was. How could I smile under such condition? I also explained to her I also did not know what interviewers wanted. Some interviewers commented that I looked tanned and therefore, they concluded they would not hire me as I seemed to be too active while some interviewers expected me to be active and jovial when I appeared quiet. Some employers expected me to be quiet and introverted and regretted hiring me as they realized I was outgoing and jovial on the job which they did not like. So, who am I supposed to be? I explained I would smile when I saw interviewers but needed to scan the interviewers before I know how I should behave and talk or whether I could joke since I tend to joke alot during interviews. After listening to my explanation, she was shocked by what I used to face before but I told her I would take note of her comments. This time round, I spoke up for myself as I tend to be misunderstood and kept quiet just to want to get a job. By explaining more, she could understand me better and help me to find jobs that suit my temperament and working style better. If I keep quiet, she will keep on having the wrong impression of me. I guess it will also help her to understand other candidates better and try not to schedule the interviews too tight.
The other area I hope to see miracle is in my romantic relationship. I really hope to overcome certain fears and have the confidence to get into healthy romantic relationship. My close friends know that I have never looked out for nice looking guys even when I was in Secondary school. In fact, throughout my life, I have never looked up to any celebrity or anyone as my idols. Some friends around me would ask me to look out for some guys who are good looking or eloquent or popular but I am simply not interested in it. My mentality is what is the point of salivating at these attractive guys? All I can do is to admire them as art pieces. I do not dream to get close to them or try to find ways to befriend them. Some guys who think they are popular and attractive think that I am trying to get close to them, like other women. They are absolutely wrong if they think so. To me, I do not have such fantasy or delusion to get them to be my boyfriends. Never. Sometimes, I am even amused by the women following them day and night. It is as if they were gigolos and these lonely women who are inferior in some ways need these men to boost their own self esteem. Most of them are married and I really pity their spouses. Personally, I often look for something deeper in a romantic partner, like faith in God, character, maturity, values, integrity, authenticity, altruism, mental rapport, owning responsibilities, humility, etc. Good looks will fade with time afterall. I believe if I am right with God, and love and accept myself as who I am as created by God, I will attract the right guy as blessed by God. I have never believed in looking for a man desperately to be my spouse due to my age or changing myself according to the preference of the man I like or his desired image of his spouse or marrying for the sake of marrying. Marriage is not a game and I do not believe in divorce. Marriage is a blessing from God. I do hope to experience life deeper by experiencing life as a spouse, mother, etc. Life is an adventure. It is meant to be explored and experienced with risks. If I live in fear that marriage may fail, I will never get to experience life to the fullest and I continue to live in fear. No pain, no gain. I rather risk it all as I believe God will always be there to help if the marriage is blessed by God.
I am looking forward to miracles in these areas. I believe God loves me. I am still out of the church. I am happy God has never abandoned me. As it is Easter Day today, I decided to bring the statue of the Holy Family embraced by the wing of an angel for a priest to bless. I really wanted to receive grace from God through the blessing of a priest on this item I have bought a few weeks ago on this special day of Jesus’ resurrection. Through the apps, I found that there was a Korean mass at 12 noon at the Cathedral of the Good Shepherd. I would expect a Korean priest to be still around at 1.30pm since I woke up late today. When I reached there, I saw some Korean Catholics having fellowship. I tried to ask one of them for a priest. She could not understand English but she asked someone else to help me. I explained I was looking for a priest to bless the statute with my gesture of signing a cross on the item. This lady led me to a Korean priest. The lady explained to him I needed him to bless my statue. I could not explain the joy within me as he was blessing the statute with reverence in silence. It was very beautiful to experience God’s grace through the blessing by the priest with reverence even though we had language barriers. After the blessing, the priest smiled and wished me Happy Easter Day. No words could describe the gratitude in me and how touched I was from such blessing from him and making his efforts to wish me in English. I also appreciated the ladies who helped me to get the priest to bless the item. It shows that despite language barrier and different nationalities, we could still make the efforts to help one another to enjoy the blessings from God as a big universal Catholic family. I thank God for such experience with Koreans. I really enjoy my Easter Day. I really hope to go back to church one day. I know it will come.
Enough of my sharing. Happy Easter Day to all! God is wonderful. Hurray! My friend is treating me high tea at Goodwood Park Hotel tomorrow for her birthday celebration. You may wonder why she treats me instead of vice versa. The reason is my saving is running really low and she wants me to celebrate her birthday with her. I love durians and she knows. I shall indulge myself with the durian pastries with her tomorrow. After that, we will proceed to Party world KTV to sing our lungs out. On Tuesday, I go for an interview again. Hopefully, by the end of the week, I receive good news of being hired. Meanwhile, I read more professional articles to pick up the language and style of writing as I am required to do some writing professionally. At the same time, I am still on my books on Between Heaven and Mirth, and A Dangerous Method. I also catch up my readings on iDom portal by the Dominicans brothers and priests, from blog by Fr Rolheiser, Words on Fire, etc. I think I need to start exercising in the stadium as I have a 5km Fun Run at the Singapore Flyer in this coming Saturday morning. No matter what, life is beautiful with Love that conquers death. So, can any trials and tribulations in life be ever greater than Jesus who had conquered death and resurrected in glory out of Love? You decide. God bless.
With Love,
Elena Foo
All THE best ....Gal! Hope you get a good job fit . We both will get a good job fit . Amen
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