The last week had been a stressful week for me to meet various tight deadlines and sorting out mess. Stress level ran even higher when the handover was poorly done which caused more frustration and confusion which affected the future project. One colleague was enough to cause hell at work. Firstly, he was supposed to hand over the role and stuffs related to me as I was assigned to take over his role. He tried to sweep the issue of lost softwares under the carpet until I wrote a note on the licences that the softwares were lost before I took over from him. He suggested we solved the issue with our boss only when he saw that note. If not, he intended to hand over to me in that state. What does it tell you? Secondly, he did things very slowly. He needed things to be gone through slowly from step 1, step 2, step 3, ......step 10 while I could skip a few steps to step 10. He could not understand the whole picture when I explained to him and he insisted on his way and presumed things. I refused to as I could forsee that such presumptions of similar nature which had got him into such mess would also get me into trouble in the future and he seemed to refuse to learn from it and continued to argue his way. Thirdly, he showed me his attitude of impatience and as if I was asking stupid question when I asked him certain matters since his handover was poor. He kept on interrupting me before I could even finish asking and claimed that I had asked him before. After that, he realized that I was not asking him the questions he presumed I was going to ask. After all these weeks of nonsense, I had enough of his nonsense which hindered me from moving on and I blew up on Friday.
I was finally consumed by the fire of anger when I blew up. I was getting very impatient with him as I kept on wondering why an university graduate just could not see the big picture and kept on insisting on his way. Worse still, he even showed his bad attitude to me. However, no matter what, I knew I was at fault once I blew up. Instead of being consumed by the fire of Love to be impatient and understanding and humble and keeping my fire of anger under the control of the fire of Love, I gave way to the fire of anger where I blew up and burnt my relationship with him through the uncontrollable explosion of my anger and impatience and arrogance. During such explosion, I had become god and I was not led by the Holy Spirit anymore since my arrogance, impatience and bad temper had overtaken instead. I became self centered and gave way to my fallen human nature which caused certain degree of damage to my relationship with my colleague. I did try to keep it under control but he kept on arguing his way until I raised my voice abit and asked him to listen before he talked. Some colleagues around me knew I was worked up. Then, he understood why I did certain things and saw the pictures. I also realize that the fire of anger had also blocked his ears of listening to the truth.
From this incident, I learn that I can choose to be consumed by the fire of Love where understanding, love, self control and patience are the ingredients of Love. This fire is just like a controllable fire where the Holy Spirit is the regulator to control the fire of Love which cooks these ingredients into nice exquisite delicacy to be savored with taste and enjoyment as seen in a good relationship between two people. If not, the fire of anger is the uncontrollable fire where it burns any relationship along the way. I must keep on reminding myself that everyone is different and his pace of thinking may be slower. I must learn to slow down and accept the person as who he is instead of thinking why he is so stupid and slow to see certain things. Only when I learn to slow down and be patient, I allow the fire of Love to take over me and lead me to build better relationship with people. I should not judge harshly as I am also a person with flaws and harsh judgement will only cause biases which hinder me from being understanding and accepting people as who they are. These bible verses come to my mind where I can meditate on whenever I am blinded by the fire of anger and seek to melt the blindness by the fire of Love in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-13
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, (love) is not pompous, it is not inflated,
5 it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,
6 it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.
7 It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.
9 For we know partially and we prophesy partially,
10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
11 When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.
12 At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.
13 So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
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With Love,
Elena
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