Have just finished reflecting on a book by C S Lewis titled ‘A Grief Observed’. I had lost the most important person in my life at the age of 20. I will address her as mummy here. When I lost her, I could not understand why God had sent her into my life and yet He cruelly tore her away from me. I was too young to know what grieving was all about as I did not have much exposure to the working world yet. What worsened my situation in trying to get over the loss of my mummy was the wrong advice from my school counsellor who had asked me to force myself to view the cremation to face the reality of her death which I did and later was told by a professional counsellor at Temasek Polytechnic that that was my wrong move as I was not even ready to get through my shock over her death for such reality. It took me around eight years to get through this grieving process as I simply swept it under the carpet with it eating me inside for a few years until I got proper guidance from a professional counsellor who happened to be a Catholic.
All of us will grieve over the loss of someone or even something from time to time, be it our desired job, death of a pet or beloved, divorce, etc., which are parts of ourselves. It is known there are stages of grief that we have to go through. But, I am not here to advise on how to get through it as I am not a priest nor a religious sister nor a professional counsellor or psychiatrist.
When I was going through grief, I went through mixed feelings of numbness, agony, pain, torture, etc. Everything seemed to be so dull around me. Even the most beautiful sun became oblivious to me as I allowed myself to fall into the world of darkness. I kept on scolding and questioning God why He allowed such thing to happen. If He was so cruel to tear her away from my life and did not allow me to apologize to her and see her for the last time before her death, why did He even bother to place her in my life, to bring hope to me, to shower me with maternal love? Did He enjoy seeing me in agony, pain, torture? Was I a toy for Him to fool? Why? Why? Why? Was He the ‘Cosmic Sadist’ like how C S Lewis had named Him during his bereavement?
There was one day when God spoke to me through a preacher. He mentioned that God took some people away from me when it was His time as it was time for me to grow from a baby eagle to an adult eagle. When I was a baby eagle in the form of new Christian, God will send people into my life for me to rely on for growth until it was time for me to learn how to fly. How did I learn how to fly? That was when the mother eagle which simply picked the little eagle and dropped it off for it to learn to flap its wings to fly. Then, I realized that God took mummy away when I was about to go to the society to work as He wanted me to learn not to be too dependent on mummy and to be independent as an adult Christian. If mummy were to be around till now, I think I can never grow up as I will be too dependent on her. I will never learn how to be child-like in my faith relying on God. Instead, I will become childish and never learn to grow as I am too dependent on her. My focus will not be on God but on a human being.
Over the years, I do not deny that I still miss mummy very much especially when I face difficulties or fall sick at times. However, as I am growing in faith, I see grieving and death in different perspectives. Grief is not just about getting over. Grief in fact is my gift to the deceased whom I love dearly. I allow myself to grieve. I acknowledge my feelings associated or rose from the grief because this person used to be part of me. Love hurts, just like how Jesus had gone through the agony and pain at the Calvary as the unblemished lamb. The opposite of Love is not hatred but numbness. When a person is numbed, he no longer allows himself to love. He just does not want to open himself to risk getting hurt through loving. Then, he misses alot in life. Rather, I find myself blessed to be able to grieve. When I grieve, I know I have loved. And, that deceased loved one is worthy of my time to love. Through the grief, I allow myself to be reminiscent of the presence of this person in my life, how she had been the face of Christ to me when she was around.
At first, I did not understand why I felt that she is much closer to me after her death though she is no longer here anymore. I finally understand it after my reflection on ‘A Grief Observed’. Though she is no longer here with me in her body, I feel closer to her because she is already part of me which I am not aware of. I still miss her because I am still in my body which needs to experience her love for me through the five senses from the words and actions from her body. It is my body which misses and yearns to experience her love through the physical form of her at times though I am aware of her being part of me. That explains why Jesus had to die in the form of a man for us so that we can experience God’s Love from abstract form to tangible, incarnated form for us to experience this Love through our five senses.
All the people around me are God’s instrument of Love. They are the different faces of Christ to me during different stages of my life. God will know when they should enter into and get out of my life at different stages so that I can grow closer to Him. Even our enemies are God’s instruments for us to grow in holiness. They are there to purify my love so that I can walk towards holiness without biases as true Love never judges or carry any biases. Whenever I dislike or hate someone, I need to reflect why I dislike or hate him/her as I may find that very trait in that person which I hate in myself. It may be hidden or covered by me intentionally or not. I need to ask God to open my eyes to see the truth and learn to accept myself and open myself up to God for God to transform me deep within so that I may grow to be more complete. So, all people whom God has sent into my life are instruments of God for me to grow in Love and to be more complete. When some people get out of my life, they may have completed their tasks of Love in my life and it may be time for them to grow with the others.
Another reason why it was time for mummy to go was God could not bear to see her in pain and torture anymore as she suffered pain and torture daily for twenty seven years. God decided to bring her home twelve years ago. One expensive lesson I had learnt was I took her for granted thinking that she would always be there. My pride and wilfulness stopped me from apologizing to her on time. Before I could even apologize to her, she passed on horribly. Why did I say horribly? She died from complications even without skin, with half of her body rotting away even before her death. The pain within me upon learning about it is indescribable even till now. It pains me deep within, especially when I know that her physical appearance mattered to her very much. It explained why grieving became much more difficult with remorse in it according to my counsellor.
I also saw a new light in it. If it pained me to know that she died horribly, it gave me a glimpse of insight into how painful and tortured God must have felt when Jesus was tortured at all levels with humiliation at the Calvary. This Love for us through the sacrifice of Jesus as His beloved Son on the Cross is so immense that this Love can never be explained or described. If this Love for us can be expressed in words, I am belittling or shrinking God who is Love with insults.
At another level, I have paid a high price not to take people for granted. Whenever my friends have misunderstandings with anyone, I would advise them to reconcile with their loved ones and friends. It is definitely very painful to face the death of my loved one especially when we have unspoken words, unexpressed feelings or things undone or even unheld hands. For me, I can never reverse the past. All I can do is to go for Sacrament of Reconciliation to get forgiveness from God and learn from my lessons. My counsellor did help me in setting up a small altar for me to have a proper closure with mummy by giving me the opportunity to apologize to her in a photo. Nevertheless, it can never be better than apologizing to her face-to –face.
We will never know who will leave us next. I treasure my relationships even more though I may repeat my mistakes from time to time. I really hope that nobody will have to pay a high price before one learns to treasure and spend quality time with his loved ones while he can. Once a person is gone, there is no way for me to get her back and express what has been in my heart. I can speak to her photo or talk to her in the columbarium again and again and yet I know that it will never be better than spending quality time with her while she is around. I can earn all the money in the world. I can hold the highest position in church or organization. What is the point when I am so lonely up there without anyone sharing the happiness with me? What is the point of getting or attaining them when I realize that I have hurt or killed people at different levels? When it is time for me to go, what kind of legacy will I be leaving behind? Hurts? Can I bring this money, status, etc. with me? When God plays back my life as a movie, what will I see?
I do miss mummy from time to time. I wish that she is still here for me to experience her love through my five senses in her body to me, such as listening to her scolding and advice, experiencing the joy of her act of giving me things, holding her hand during mass reciting the Lord’s Prayer, seeing her smile to me, enjoying her concerned look for me, etc. And yet, I know it is my body which misses her love through the expression from her body. I know I am still loved no matter where she is now. The beauty of it is I feel united knowing that I am united with her through the prayers for the dead. This is the beauty of what Catholicism practises. She is still part of me now as she was part of my life when she was around. Whenever I remember her, I may miss all the moments with her and yet not upset about it anymore as all these moments emphasize on her being. I love her for who she is, including all her flaws. I appreciate her as who she is but not just how she has loved me, done for me. Have you ever wondered why at times, lovers do not have to talk much and just enjoy the quiet time with each other? It is all about appreciating each other’s presence. It is all about appreciation and enjoyment of God’s masterpiece of creation of this lover right in front of you with awe. It is all about appreciation of the being of the other person. It is very dangerous when I attempt to change my loved one to the image that I want even if it is not according to God’s will. That is because I am falling in love with the perfect image of that person and I am not falling in love and accepting him as who he is. When his flaws show and he does not change according to what I want, I accuse of him of cheating me and divorce him or break my relationship with him. Only when I learn to appreciate him as a being created by God, I will be able to grow with him with the guidance of God. When I love him as who he is and with God in this relationship, then the Holy Spirit can work freely in me and guide me in this relationship.
There is nothing wrong to mourn. Even Jesus mourned. I mourn because I have lost this person who is part of my life. I mourn because I love. Mourning will turn into dancing only when I learn to see this deceased as God’s gift to me for me to draw closer to God. I no longer focus on the physical loss of this person. Rather, I rejoice in this loss of physical person as she is even closer by being part of me at the spiritual level as I can never deny the fact that she showered me with love through her words and actions when she was alive. Her spirit of love is deep within me for me to move forward with more courage and I am aware that her love is part of God’s Love for me.
God is Love who moves mountains where mourning will turn into dancing when I acknowledge my feelings and turn to God for His Love to heal and tenderize me deep within. Love does hurt. But this hurt will never be greater than Love. Rather than closing all my doors to avoid experiencing any hurt through Love with numbness, I open myself for God to love me through events and people in my life so that I can be more complete as a being towards holiness.
Dancing with Love,
Elena
No comments:
Post a Comment