It has been more than a month since I have penned down
something. Time for written diarrhea before I get internal injury. New year has started. I guess my focus
for this year is Not by sight but by faith. The year has not started on a
positive note for me. My 2 rounds of treatment in end December were hell. The
first treatment of Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy without any anaesthetic
was still fine. Even as my specialist raised the level of blasting to
Level 3, 4 and even 5, I could still tolerate the blasting of my bones by the
wave. I think I was too ambitious during my last treatment. I decided to push
my limits. That was to have Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy and Platelet Rich
Plasma treatment together. The day before I had my last treatment, I had flu.
It greatly affected me as the pain during Extracorporeal Shock Wave Therapy was
really bad. The sensation was tight, sharp pain and shot up to my brain. At Level 1,
the pain was already unbearable. In order to be effective, it must go up to
Level 3 of blasting. I was cursing and swearing in my heart throughout the 20
mins of blasting. I wondered what I had done wrong to go through this. At that
moment, it was frustrating. After the blasting, 2 needles had to go into my
ankle for Platelet Rich Plasma treatment. I cannot describe the pain for hours
after that. My specialist told me we are waiting for miracle as I have chosen
to go for these treatments instead of going through the knife where 3 sites
have to be opened. Out of the cases which my specialist has handled for 8
years, my case is the most severe and chronic with my broke bone abit displaced
with damaged cartilage. If I had gone to him 2 years ago, I would have a better
chance of getting healed. He told me he
had ever treated certain conditions which he was not confident of. In the end,
some turned out to be miracles. We are hoping my case will be one of them. Till
now, I have got no ideas how my bone and cartilage are badly damaged without
any sprain or fall. My guess is my bones are weak in general. It ever took me 10 years for my left knee to heal. A priest misunderstood me when I did not knee down during a prayer session and I just kept quiet.
I am appealing for my
claims for my Platelet Rich Plasma expenses as they have been rejected. Really
very vexed and tiring to run between my private and company insurance companies
for claims and keep going back to my specialist for more support to justify all
my treatments are medically required. I hope God will see that I have been
honest and upright with my treatments. I only go for treatments that are medically required
and never abuse the insurance system by going for treatments that are not
necessary just to claim. Nobody in the right mind will go through so much pain
from these treatments just to claim from insurance companies. Trying to claim
as much as I can since I have borrowed $10k from a friend. $2k from my
hospitalization bills has been confirmed I cannot claim from either insurance
company. Now, I am appealing to claim for $2k plus post ops expenses. For this,
I need miracle again. I am very tired running around. Stressed out. I
guess because of running around too much and under a lot of stress on top of my
heavy workload and constant exposure to toxic paint, pollen from lily flowers and incense from my house, my allergy flared up on last Friday and I was forced to slow
down on a 3 day strong anti-biotics for my sinusitis and respiratory system
infection. I am still trying to hang on
to hope; hope to claim as much expenses as I can from the insurance companies so
that I can return as much money as I can to my friend and hope for miracle to happen that my ankle will be healed when I am back for review in early June. In
Singapore, I really have time to die but no time to fall sick. Work still goes
on no matter what. I regret going for the treatments which have landed me with debts.
Life still goes on. I cannot be so self absorbed and self centred. I have been busy journeying with people God has continuously
brought into my life. Sometimes, I need rest and do not wish to meet anyone as
I have been feeling very down. But, deep in me, something is bugging me when I
don’t meet them or reach out to them. In
the end, I choose to meet or reach out to them. I guess it is God pushing me
out of my small world to serve others instead of getting too self absorbed. I never regret reaching out to them whenever I
see their smiles or feel better. I feel better and happy in the end. A lot of
misunderstanding arises as these relationships go deeper since I do not normally bother to
explain most of the time. I am not perfect. I am also learning from mistakes
and these people. Nowadays, I try to voice out more verbally, especially with an
encouragement of a friend who keeps asking me to talk instead of whatsapping. I
am learning to voice out more face to face instead of bottling things up for
years and explode. I am good in teasing people and talk nonsense. But when it
comes to voicing out something deep and personal, my tongue just gets tied. I am just doing my best as prompted by the
Holy Spirit and leave the rest to God. I also take care that I do not play God.
So, praying regularly is essential in order to keep myself close to God and
listen to his voice.
One thing positive is I may be collecting my keys early in
3-4 months’ time. Hurray!! Not sure how to finance my renovation costs and
items for the house. At least, it is something I am looking forward to. It
never fails to cheer me up as I see the project for my flat looks more and more
complete. Now, praying for a reliable contractor or interior designer who can
renovate my house. There will be a Catholic church coming up in Punggol area,
Church of Transfiguration. Plan to go to that church and serve to start anew
for my spiritual journey, Have been out of church for a few years. I am excited.
The church is named as Church of Transfiguration as Fr Joachim Chang explained
many problems arise because we never listen, be it conflicts between married
couples, problems at work, etc He wanted the church to be a place where we
listen to God’s voice. I really need that, man. My life is too noisy now and I
have nowhere to rest my racing mind. I also read Fr Joachim’s vocation story.
One thing we have in common is we were positively influenced by our teachers in
our lives with its rippling effect on our faith. He looks stern from the videos
and I am scared since I tend to get into trouble. But, I am sure I can look
forward to his guidance since he has got a Master in counseling. I am
willing to learn. Whenever I was vexed, I used to get comfort from looking at
the crucifix in the main church. I really miss that. I also miss journeying with a
person in that church during that period of time. At least, he was there to
guide me, comfort me and walk with me through my ups and downs. He would support
me quietly at times as he knew his presence would sometimes distract me from
doing my work. I also enjoyed journeying with him, helped him, be there for him. I learnt alot from him and moments with him were one of my happy days. I know he is doing well with a lot of support from his
community, friends and loved ones and I believe he will be healed though the
chance seems bleak from some research. Miracles do happen and I believe miracles will happen to him. Though I have no chance to tell him, I am
proud of him. If he needs help or someone to be there for him, I will still gladly welcome him with open arms. I will never push him away again. One of them most comforting things to me is he is still around. I just want to thank him for being around. He is still in my prayers
till now. As long as he is happy, I am happy. As for me, challenging to journey
alone. I hope the new church allows me to journey with people in faith. God is
Love and Loge never dies no matter where I go…
With Love,
Elena
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