It has been a very tiring week. With my ankle trying to
recover from the procedures, I find it very challenging to travel to and fro
between workplace and home. Getting up the buses or standing for more than
15mins are really challenging. It is a killer to be sardine packed crowd
pushing around. I am starting to hurt my good leg as I put all my weight on it.
I got very frustrated at times, especially during rainy days when walking on
the slippery road became increasingly difficult. I asked God if my life is not
tough enough and He has to make it even tougher even in my daily routine.
Somehow, there was one day when a young man with disability was limping right
in front of me. I looked at him and told myself my inconvenience is only short
term but his is lifetime. I should count my blessings that I could still go for
treatment but he has to live with his disability for life. I am trying very
hard to be more patient. Each trip to the office is bus-circle line train-east
west line train- bus. My ankle has been swelling and in pain each day after all
the travelling and I wonder if I had made a wrong decision to go for $8K treatment
with more ongoing treatment. I am not sure if my ankle can be healed. My low
pay cannot afford to pay for cab fares daily.
I am totally depending on my faith. I am trying to claim
from both private and company insurance plans to return my friend $10K for my
ankle treatment. I am really uncomfortable with borrowing money from a friend
who is not close to me and yet I accepted it as it has been God’s will for me
to treat my 2-3year chronic ankle condition with broken bones and fluid accumulating
inside. If I don’t treat it, I may hurt the other leg with prolonged dependence
on it. My flat may be coming at the beginning or middle of next year. I have to
speed up my savings for renovation costs and items for my new house. This new
house is my only way to get out of my misery. It’s either I swim or sink by
myself. I have to fight my way out of this vicious cycle. I know if I continue my current life as it is
now, it won’t be long before it ends prematurely. I am slowly losing my grip
from the edge of the cliff. Now, I am looking at various options for my renovation
costs and items for my new house. I have been having the fun of going around
discussing design with interior designers. I visited the 1st one on
last Saturday. He had quoted me $16K+ for a 36sqm 2 room bto flat unit. Wow,
that was steep, man. I will be visiting
one other designer today and another one tomorrow and yet another one on 9
November 2016. I know very clearly what I want for my flat. I like all white,
clean minimalist look. The whole room will be built with platform. I am not
sure how I can go about getting enough money and support to build a new home. I
am depending on God to guide and provide for me while I try to scrimp and save
with my bit of saving plan from my insurance. Of course, early withdrawal of $
from my saving plan means I have to forgo the benefits wince they are not due
yet. Once I move out, I am totally on my own. It’s a new stage of my life.
It seems that people around have been down with serious
diseases recently. A few of them almost lost their lives. Once again, God is
getting me to slow down and question about mortality. It pains me whenever I
see my friends suffering or crying over the condition of their loved ones. I
know I am not perfect. I am trying as much as I can to be there. Most of the
time, I allow them to cry and talk about matters from their hearts. In fact, I
am privileged that they have chosen to trust and confide in me. Because of
their deep sharing, my life is enriched and I can help others with similar
situations. Diseases are not scary. It is the disconnection from people that is
scary. The yoke is easier to carry when we are all in it together no matter what
we face. Yes, we cannot take over their
diseases but we can help support these people through our presence, kind words
and caring actions. It is such togetherness that helps everyone easier to carry
any burdens and brave through challenges in life.
Personally, it is a torture to me when my loved ones with
diseases leave me just because they think by leaving me, they will not be my burdens.
What I want to say is it is definitely not true. I get very angry and tortured whenever
anyone does that to me. My mummy did that to me and my grief became a
complicating one and I had to go through a professional counseling after 8
years of her death. It was devastating and affected my relationships with
people, especially people who are dear to me, as the pain and regrets were too difficult
to be endured. Three years ago, another loved one drove me out of his hospital
room and created an email account to ask me to get out of his life. I played
along and replied him as if he were a third person to make him feel better. When I read his blog entry the next day, he
mentioned he had just lost an angel. I knew who he was referring to. That was the last time I read his blog. If he
thought out of sight, out of mind. Then, I think he is wrong. It was very
immature of his faith level to think that. I think he missed the whole point of
being a Christian. It gave me a lot of heart break. He is still in my heart
till now. I often ask God how he is getting on. It is never easy to miss
someone who is still around and yet you cannot see him. If he were to be gone
now, I know my grief is going to be complex again because there is a lot of
unspoken words, unexpressed feelings. We have never had a chance to really talk
to each other. They thought they were protecting me from pain and did not want
to burden me. They were absolutely wrong. I am very frustrated and feel painful why they
were playing God. Why did they belittle my strength and ability to go through thick
and thin with them? Why did they deprive my opportunities given by God to walk
through it all with them? Why did they play God? What makes them think that I
am better off without them? Yes, going
through it all with them may be tough and painful to see them suffer. But it is
more painful and miserable that they broke the relationships just like that
assuming that I would forget them. Have they ever respected my decision and
view? I am not a computer. When you cut me off, will my brain and heart will be
reset, forgetting about our bonds? Hello, I am a human with flesh and blood. I
cannot be reset just like that.
After 3 years, I am led to the photos of my loved one while
searching for some information on an old priest whom I respect and miss. It
pains me to see him ageing much and some marks on his skin. He must have gone
through a lot. I am happy he is healthy and joyful now. Leaving him is worthwhile
though I am suffering alone outside. He has gone back to the church which I had
left. Somehow, when I read about a brief introduction of him on a website, I
was touched when he mentioned he would try his best to be sincere in his vocation.
When I happened to see his Facebook page, he commented he was not looking on
the number of ‘like’ for his post but he wanted his blog entries to have
positive impact on others’ lives. I am proud of him. In fact, I cried with
tears as I finally see his change.
Some friends asked me why I don’t look for him since I still
care for him and miss him. My answer is if he is happy without me in his life,
I will just stay out of his life as long as this is what he wants. It is fine to disregard my feelings. I don’t
deny that my life is better with him in my life since he used to be able to
connect with me and went through my tough time with me. Those are my happy and
rich moments of my life. For me, as my thinking style was proven by a
professional coach from my previous church to be different from most people, it
is difficult for me to connect with the others generally. I can say that he is weird
enough to be able to connect deeply with me and other people also commented
that before. That made him even more important in my life. I was very happy
when we grew together. Yes, there were slamming of door, shouting at me, hurtful
words, accusation in the public with a few people against me, etc. There were
also quiet support, comforting and encouraging me through his talks, pulling a
chair to come near me showing others he accepted me despite the risks of
offending his fans, assuring me that it was alright to be a horrible cook as a
spouse and the other party would still eat the food, singing his feelings to
me, showing me looks of concern when I had very tough times, looking at me with
appreciation, pacing near me when I was sick, etc. Though my life was very tough, it seemed to be
easier to carry with him around. He always knew what to say to guide me. He
understood and managed to connect with me though we are from totally different
backgrounds and status. He even stooped down to my level and claimed that he
was ugly. When he appeared in the
stadium happily after I had mentioned if he wanted to be friend with me and he
would indicate it by appearing in the stadium, I was very happy to see him. He was my angel. I
know I had hurt him a lot and there is no turning back. I know my hardship and misery
are easier to carry with him around but I don’t intend to disrupt his life
since he is doing well and happy with his loved ones and friends and vocation. I
will only see him if he allows me to and if God allows. If he looks for me, I
will reconcile with him and treasure him as God’s gift. If not, I can only quietly
pray for him and continue to stay out braving through tough times alone until I
can no longer bear.
If you ask me what I will do if I start all over with him
again, I will love and treasure him even more. It is fine if we cannot be
husband and wife. We can always be soul mates and work together to serve the
community. I don’t mind about his disease
at all. When he knew about my health condition and dark sins, he did not
abandon me and showed me he accepted me. Why should I leave him just because of
his disease? Anyway, everyone will fall sick and die and one day. Why don’t we
live life to the fullest with the people we love? I am not afraid of hardship as long as we are
all in it together. No matter what, I will continue to pray for him and give
him all my blessings. After all these years, he is still in my heart.
With Love,
Elena
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